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Palin Memoir to Include Color-By-Numbers, Hidden Pictures

October 9, 2009 Dan Stevens Leave a comment

JUNEAU, AK—Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. Originally slated to be a 400-page chronicle of Palin’s political and personal life, the memoir underwent a complete overhaul of its content and scope, leading to its completion months ahead of schedule. “The initial intent of the memoir was to touch upon Palin’s personal beliefs, family life, and experiences growing up in Alaska and in politics,” said Maria Tonne, a spokesperson

Northwestern to Expand Eastward, Build Archipelago

October 9, 2009 Matthew Rizman Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro unveiled plans to supplement the Evanston campus’ lake fill with a private archipelago across Lake Michigan at his inauguration on Friday, Oct. 9. The plan will raise awareness about sustainability by using organic material from old-growth rainforests to fill the archipelago’s islands, Schapiro said. Citing the cramped conditions of the Sept. 19 ‘Rock the Beach’ dance party thrown for freshmen during Wildcat Welcome Week, Shapiro noted in his inaugural address that “the time is now” for

Poster Sale Purchases More Interesting Than Buyers

October 9, 2009 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything… No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as

President Obama Wins Flipside Readership Award

October 8, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be

Blagojevich Sells Olympics to Rio

October 4, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder. “I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs.

Alleged Harris Hall Renovation Revealed to be Cover for Hoffa Search

October 4, 2009 Laura Jok Leave a comment

EVANSTON—This week, an anonymous tip led to the discovery that the alleged restoration of Harris Hall, the home of the NU history department, is in reality a hunt for the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa, the long-missing President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters. The unnamed tipster would only identify himself as a member of the Hoffa Disappearance Investigative Committee (HDIC). Despite his oath of confidentiality to the university, he was unable to keep the information from the public custom term

Opinion: Lakefill? More like Lake-augment!

October 4, 2009 Chase Sund Leave a comment

So I keep hearing about this Northwestern Lakefill and how it’s so glorious. Yeah, it has a nice view of Chicago. And sure, it provides people a nice place to run for a total of three months during the school year. But Lake-FILL? I think not. This supposed engineering marvel “filled in the lake” to “add more land to the Northwestern campus.” Ludicrous! The lake is barely full at all. In fact, there’s a whole shit-ton of water left in

Willie the Wildcat Put Down after Being Diagnosed with Swine Flu

October 4, 2009 Louie Hayes Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In what marks the end of a long and prosperous era, Willie the Wildcat was put down this weekend after being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus. Morton Schapiro, the new President of Northwestern University, presided over the funeral. He commented on the ordeal, saying, “It was tough for all of us. At first, he wouldn’t even come outside, but then we stood a cardboard cutout of a human next to the entrance of the WildCave and told Willie the young

Former Senator Larry Craig, Inspired by Tom DeLay, Reveals Passion for Tap Dancing

October 2, 2009 Brian Lee Leave a comment

BOISE, ID—Former Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, publicly confessed his “great love” for “the glorious art of tap-dance” on a press conference Tuesday. He started his press conference with a string of praise for former Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, whose recent performances on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” has triggered a dancing boom among the echelons of former Republican politicians. “A star is born,” squealed the former senator, discussing DeLay’s performance Monday night. “I knew that under his ‘hammer’ persona, there

Fantasy Owner Drops Adrian Peterson Following “Unacceptable” Week 3 Performanc

October 2, 2009 Alex Wilcox Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Jack Randall, the owner of the fantasy football team named “You PLAY to WIN the Game,” dropped Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson following his nine-point performance against the 49ers last Sunday. Although Peterson leads all running backs in fantasy scoring this season, Randall said the decision was obvious given Peterson’s “unacceptable” performance on Sunday. However, according to Randall, the statistical performance was only half the reason he dropped him. “Yeah I was extremely disappointed by Adrian’s 85 yards rushing with