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For One Day, Trekkies Get to Be Cool

May 8, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Devoted fans of the Star Trek franchise, referred to informally as Trekkies, rejoiced yesterday as JJ Abrams’ critically acclaimed Star Trek prequel hit theaters last weekend. “Finally,” said local Trekkie Stephen Geary, “we Trekkies can get the respect we deserve.” He then made a “V” sign between his middle and ring finger and added, “Live long and prosper.” With hordes of moviegoers attending the new film, Trekkies have been able to share their knowledge of Trek trivia. “It’s great,” explained

Ask The Flipside – Why Do You Keep Putting Stuff in my Mailbox?

May 8, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

Dear The Northwestern Flipside, Why do you assholes keep putting stuff in my mailbox? Yours Truly, Gerd Höffenhauer Well Gerd, some people actually appreciate receiving The Flipside every week. Actually, the fact that you don’t appreciate The Flipside would seem to indicate that you are not human. So we at The Flipside have a question for you: What the fuck are you? Are you a Dementor? Are you Ann Coulter? Or a zombie perhaps? Or maybe you are just a

Jack Bauer Unable to Prevent Terrorists from Releasing Swine Flu

May 1, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a

New Student John Wilkes Booth Suspiciously Good at “Assassins”

May 1, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Transfer student John Wilkes Booth has been on an “Assassins” rampage lately, “killing” six targets last night with surprising cunning and skill. As the game comes down to its final players, many are calling Booth the favorite because of his sneak tactics. “He just came out of a supply closet and hit me right between the eyes,” said Shmabraham Shmincoln, one of Booth’s victims. “It was really creepy, now that I think about it. The whole time he had this

Barack Obama Friends Hugo Chavez on Facebook

May 1, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying

Netflix Runs Out of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle on 4/20

April 17, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

LOS GATOS, CA—Users of the popular DVD distribution service Netflix were up in arms on Monday after the company ran out of copies of the popular comedy “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle,” a film popular with stoners all over the globe. “Like, dude,” area Netflix user Ben Mellon told The Flipside, “not seeing “Harold and Kumar” on 4/20 totally messes with my chi. That one scene where they get the White Castle burgers is sweeeeet.” Netflix spokesman Adam

Oh Shit, It’s 4/20!

April 17, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Oh shit it’s 4/20! Shit shit shit! What time is it? Holy 11:37!? That means I have … let me see … carry the three … 12 hours and 33 mi…no wait 12 hours and 24 minutes to smoke! Where’s my stash, closet closet closet … crap it’s all gone! Must be Josh, that fucking weed-stealing d-bag, fucking stole all my fucking weed … where can I get some bud? Let me call Karl, he’ll have some … connecting …

Vending Machines Stocked In Preparation of 4/20

April 17, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

EVANSTON—With April 20th looming, as every year, just on the heels of April 19, vending machines across the country are being restocked and fortified against the impending onslaught of stoners who “could really go for some Ho-Hos right now.” In dorm buildings and break rooms everywhere, vending machine companies are seeking to prepare themselves for the sudden demand for their services that occurs every year on Hitler’s birthday, knowing full well that insufficient preparation could lead to disaster. It is

Obama Sends Pirates, Depp Hiding

April 17, 2009 Anant Shah Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—This past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously “reckless” pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose.

Next Time, North Korea Won’t Use Fisher-Price Rocket

April 11, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

SEOUL—A report surfaced early Friday morning that the North Korean military had successfully launched a rocket from a beach near Pyongyang. The rocket cruised 100 ft. across the beach before landing harmlessly in the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean. “This is a great day for the North Korean military,” explained foreign official Kim-Seong Moon, “It truly establishes North Korea as one of the most potent military forces in the entire world.” The rocket was clearly ineffective, as it fizzled