CAPS Hands Out ‘A+’ Stickers to Dejected High School Valedictorians
“We at CAPS strive to affirm the appallingly fragile, extrinsically-fixed self-worth of our former best and brightest.”
Category Archives: Articles
Fraternity Brother Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who Won’t Come Forward at Least 35 Years From Now
“Sometimes, it’s important for philanthropists that people keep quiet about their good deeds,” Neill told reporters after completing a keg stand.
Idiot Freshman Can’t Find Building
“I guess it’s early and I’m still finding my way around,” White said, as if that were actually a thing.
Freshman Sends When2meet to Parents for Parents Weekend
“I’m in college now and have so much more responsibility. It’s just more efficient this way.”
Prayers Go Out to Sorority Sister after Dad Doesn’t Fill her Bank Account in Time for Bar Crawl
A candlelight vigil is scheduled for this Wednesday to commemorate the tragedy.
NU Freshman Complains of “Hurricane of Homework,” Retracts Statement
“I actually do know some people in Florida, so I get why that sounds offensive.”
Northwestern Required to Provide Eight Metric Tons of Corn for Nebraska Football Team to Graze
Northwestern obliged with a long-standing Big Ten policy and provided the Cornhuskers with eight metric tons of corn to satisfy the team’s so-called “craze for the graze.”
“‘Perjury’ Is the Name of a Drinking Game,” Explains Kavanaugh
In an interview with ABC News today, Justice Brett Kavanaugh explained that the “Perjury” mentioned in his high school yearbook is a drinking game and not a felony.
Sex Offenders to Be Reintroduced to Community through Political Office
“Cosigners allayed concerns of molesters worldwide and sent the message that they would under no circumstances be held accountable for their actions.”
Rest of Clubs Fair Horrified by Mathletes’ ‘Slave Leia’ Recruiting Tactic
The presence of Slave Leia led to more interest in their organization than ever before, with over 400 signups to their listserv and 75 phone numbers given directly to “Leia.”