As the old adage goes, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will spearhead
the complete reconstruction of my political and social climate.”
Americans woke up with shock to the news that US forces captured Nicolás Maduro, the President of the South American country of Vulva.
Typically achieved only by the pinnacle of elegant fluidity, such as an undried up waterfall or a Gen Z content creator navigating a McDonald’s kiosk, the “flow state” has been dubbed by Congressional leaders as the “most sought-after” state to be in.
Although less catchy than the original, the new lyrics “My demographics down, they ain’t rebouncin’ now, lawmakers frown, askin’, ‘Where’s each newborn from?’” seemed to instantly capture the attention of the assembly members.
As news of the death of former Vice President Dick Cheney made its way to Iraq, the Weapons of Mass Destruction began to emerge from hiding after a 22-year disappearance.
President Donald Trump, calm and measured as always, announced plans to resume nuclear testing last Thursday while at a trade meeting in South Korea. Trump claimed the measure was in response to increased Russian aggression from recent (non-nuclear) missile tests and (actually nuclear) comments from Russian president Putin comparing Trump to an earwax-covered q-tip. Independent agencies have raised alarms over safety and diplomatic concerns from potential testing, but the public and the professionals are both ignoring the most dangerous part
With just one day to go until the New York City mayoral election, anticipation is running high and Ambien is running low. Regardless of what the final voting results are, there’s one final test that all candidates must pass: Are their souls pure enough for the weighing of the hearts as described in the Egyptian Book of the Dead? For non-New Yorkers unfamiliar with the process, Anubis, the jackal-headed Egyptian god of the Underworld, will weigh one’s heart against a
Listen close. Descartes said that thinking makes me am. If true is this… I have question.
In a disgusting, but also kinda hot, move, Forno Pizza has faced recent backlash amongst Northwestern students after unveiling their new slogan.
Yesterday, the EpiPen files were released, concluding an RFK Jr.-ordered investigation that determined food allergies to be the root cause of autism.