Studies Indicate Millions of Americans Cannot Locate Vulva on a Globe
Americans woke up with shock to the news that US forces captured Nicolás Maduro, the President of the South American country of Vulva.
Category Archives: Politics
BREAKING: Officially Open For Debate On Next Issue to Shut Down Over, Experts Claim Congress has Reached its “Flow State”
Typically achieved only by the pinnacle of elegant fluidity, such as an undried up waterfall or a Gen Z content creator navigating a McDonald’s kiosk, the “flow state” has been dubbed by Congressional leaders as the “most sought-after” state to be in.
From the Near Future: Ambassador to the UN Nicki Minaj Performs “Anaconda” in Front of the General Assembly to Raise Awareness of Falling Birth Rates in Developed Countries
Although less catchy than the original, the new lyrics “My demographics down, they ain’t rebouncin’ now, lawmakers frown, askin’, ‘Where’s each newborn from?’” seemed to instantly capture the attention of the assembly members.
Breaking: Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq To Come Out of Hiding After Dick Cheney’s Death
As news of the death of former Vice President Dick Cheney made its way to Iraq, the Weapons of Mass Destruction began to emerge from hiding after a 22-year disappearance.
Trump to start nuclear testing on animals “Like How Sephora does it”
President Donald Trump, calm and measured as always, announced plans to resume nuclear testing last Thursday while at a trade meeting in South Korea. Trump claimed the measure was in response to increased Russian aggression from recent (non-nuclear) missile tests and (actually nuclear) comments from Russian president Putin comparing Trump to an earwax-covered q-tip. Independent agencies have raised alarms over safety and diplomatic concerns from potential testing, but the public and the professionals are both ignoring the most dangerous part
New York Mayoral Result to be Decided by Anubis, Losers’ Souls Eaten by Ammit
With just one day to go until the New York City mayoral election, anticipation is running high and Ambien is running low. Regardless of what the final voting results are, there’s one final test that all candidates must pass: Are their souls pure enough for the weighing of the hearts as described in the Egyptian Book of the Dead? For non-New Yorkers unfamiliar with the process, Anubis, the jackal-headed Egyptian god of the Underworld, will weigh one’s heart against a
Ask Flippy: If thinking makes me am, is am I thinking because am I is?
Listen close. Descartes said that thinking makes me am. If true is this… I have question.
Forno Pizza Faces Campus Backlash After Unveiling New Slogan “Oh Yeah, Put It In Your Dirty Little Mouth”
In a disgusting, but also kinda hot, move, Forno Pizza has faced recent backlash amongst Northwestern students after unveiling their new slogan.
Trump Announces the Release of the EpiPen Files after RFK Jr. Announces that Food Allergies Cause Autism
Yesterday, the EpiPen files were released, concluding an RFK Jr.-ordered investigation that determined food allergies to be the root cause of autism.
Days After Charlie Kirk’s Assassination, Old Tweets Attacking the Star-Not-On-Belly Sneetches Resurface
“If I ever see a star-not-on-belly Sneetch making pancakes, I’m going to be like ‘boy, I hope I don’t get food poisoning from these pancakes,’