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Category Archives: Politics

Romney and Obama Persist in Quest to Claim White Undecided Voter

October 17, 2012 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are no closer today than they were yesterday in catching the elusive Great White Undecided Voter. After releasing their nets and (de)baiting their fishing lines during Tuesday’s town hall meeting, neither candidate was able to harpoon their quarry and the polls have stayed static. Attention has been brought specifically to the White Undecided Voter because the other voters have already been hunted to extinction. According to marine-biologist-turned-political-pundit Richard Jackson, “President Obama has

Professor Proposes Solution to Lengthy, Off-Topic Presidential Debates

October 17, 2012 Min Lee Leave a comment

ITHACA, NY – The moderators of the presidential debates have tried to keep the debates concise and focused to no avail. The candidates ramble, go off topic, and make personal attacks on each other. Despite changes in debate format, stricter moderators, and rules known beforehand and agreed to by both campaigns, the problem persists. Peter Paddock, an esteemed psychology professor at Cornell University, has an answer: water guns. He explains, “Say Mitt Romney was not talking about the issue being

Residential Hall Election Results Unofficial Until Jeb Bush Has Access to Them

October 16, 2012 Michael Guenzl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Students across the Northwestern campus were stunned to find out that fairly-counted votes for student government positions would be re-counted by Jeb Bush in order to determine the real winners. “The Allison presidential position looked like a landslide victory,” admitted resident Brad Turner, a Weinberg freshman, “but it’s always good to have the trustworthy Jeb Bush re-count for us!” Other students, though, weren’t too thrilled with Bush being in charge of the re-count. “I just think he’s done

China Decrees All Sesame Street Episodes Must Include Chinese Lessons

October 4, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

BEIJING – Chinese officials were surprised to learn Thursday morning that their indirect funding of PBS grants them the power to determine the content of Sesame Street episodes. Mitt Romney alerted the world to this fact during Wednesday night’s presidential debate, when he promised, “I will eliminate all programs that don’t pass this test: is the program so critical it’s worth borrowing money from China to pay for it? I’m sorry, Jim, I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS.

Study: World Really Fucking Depressing

September 28, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EARTH – According to a recent report issued by scientific journals, current events periodicals, supermarket tabloids, internet bloggers, the Federal Reserve, and the US Department of Transportation, planet Earth is a really fucking depressing place to live. Drawing from a sample size of over 6 billion people, the report found corruption, narcissism, violence, and willful ignorance to be rampant without exception in every environment settled by human beings. Although these predispositions were only observed in approximately 23% of the global

Scientists Debate Origins of Obama's Same Sex Marriage Stance

May 14, 2012 Alex Finkelstein

WASHINGTON – President Obama has stated that his views on same sex marriage are “evolving,” culminating in an interview where he announced his support for the practice. The scientific community has since been abuzz looking for theories as to why this transformation occurred. The first main camp contains the gradual evolutionists. Evolutionary Biologist William Smith summarized this position, saying, “Obama has had a long political career and has gradually adapted to a changing environment via natural selection.” He added, “Those

Republicans Use Tupac Hologram Technology to Bring Back Reagan

April 26, 2012 Justin Erb Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – After seeing the Star Wars-like hologram of the late rapper Tupac Shakur at Coachella, Republicans were so enticed by the technology that they decided to purchase their own hologram projector. Republicans are using their new machine in the GOP National Office to project Ronald Regan 24/7. Since last Monday, hologram Reagan has been repeating the phrases “Cut Taxes”, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”, and “Trickle-down economics is good economics!” When asked why the GOP made the purchase,

World Bank Hazes the Shit out of New President

April 19, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Kim was forced to consume copious amounts of alcohol, run around the National Mall half naked while blindfolded, drink a gallon of milk mixed with water from the Potomac River, deny emergency loan requests from Angola, and be quizzed on facts of the founding of the institution.

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Golden Corral Protests Buffet Rule

April 17, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

RALEIGH, NC — President Obama is making the “Buffet Rule” a large part of his reelection campaign, but this proposal has met an unexpected challenger in Golden Corral, famous for its delicious buffets. James H. Maynard, chairman of the corporation, released a statement protesting Obama’s plan of minimum payments from those who are able to consume the most. “Obama’s Buffet Rule is nothing but discrimination. We oppose the President in his work to place an unfair burden on our heaviest

Supreme Court Ruling Allows Americans to Choose Between Free Healthcare and Free Cheeseburger

April 3, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – A landmark ruling on the legality of “Obamacare” has ended in unexpected compromise. Liberal and conservative factions of the Supreme Court have agreed to allow Americans to choose for themselves between extensive affordable healthcare coverage or a succulent medium-rare quarter-pound cheeseburger. According to Gallup polls, voters are unsure of whether to claim their burger now or wait for secondary rulings on French fry and soft-drink inclusion. Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has already seized the ruling as campaign material.