WASHINGTON – President Obama inadvertently left his microphone turned on last Thursday, bluntly revealing to the country what it means to be leader of the free world: [10:02 a.m.] Glad this mic is turned off. [10:05 a.m.] Yo Joe, if I had a son, I hope he wouldnāt look like Mitch McConnell. At least heād be an American citizen, though. Iām glad we raised taxes so we could spend all that extra money of the birth certificate forging department. [10:08
NEW YORK – Rush Limbaugh has been attacked from all sides for his reaction to Georgetown student Sandra Fluke testifying in front of Congress in favor of womenās rights, in which he called Fluke a āslutā. In a brilliant PR move, Limbaugh retracted his earlier statement, saying, āI was wrong to say what I did. She isnāt a slut for trying to advance her beliefs through peaceful means, which was well within her natural rights; sheās more like a whore.ā
TEHRAN ā Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the cityās famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette. āThis is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious
WASHINGTON ā President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, āToday, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all
Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obamaās high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, āI think itās fairly obvious that Iām going to be re-elected – I mean,
WASHINGTON D.C. – After witnessing her powerful portrayal of UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, the Republican Party has announced the nomination of Meryl Streep for candidacy for President of the United States.Ā Predictions show that the lovely and talented Streep will pull ahead in the next primary, using her track record of Academy Awards and Golden Globes as an indication of her popularity with the masses and her ability to achieve. Many GOP politicians are shifting
MILWAUKEE ā In response to the milk spill that covered the western rim of Lake Michigan with a layer of milk fat, President Obama visited the shores of Milwaukee to encourage the thousands of volunteers helping in the cleanup effort. The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism
WASHINGTON ā The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendantās guilt. Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: āKellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently
DES MOINES ā After receiving only 6 votes in the Iowa Caucus, lizard people said they will return to the marshes to reassess their candidacy. The decision was revealed in a speech delivered to the reptilians’ supporters who gathered in the campaign’s headquarter in Des Moines. “Hissss… Shsssh shhh hisss hssssss…. I’m sorry, there must be some technical difficulties here.” said one of the lizard people while adjusting the microphone. “It’s hard to say that we’re not disappointed by the
DES MOINES – At precisely 11:33 PM on January 4th, citizens across the state of Iowa unobtrusively returned to being unnecessary. This shift happened as the final votes in the Republican Caucus were tallied, and it was determined that the winner was Mitt Romney by 8 votes. Back in the natural state they reside in between each caucus, Iowans took a collective sigh of relief as they could stop pretending to be politically conscious and stop pretending to have what