Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Wins GOP Iowa Caucus
The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.
Category Archives: Politics
People Stand in Gym and Tell Each Other Which Old White Guy They Like Best
DES MOINES – Last Tuesday, Iowans gathered in gyms, homes, and other buildings across the state to discuss who their favorite old white guys were. Herds of people thronged in and around buildings. They stood around and talked for a while. Some people waved signs with pretty decorations. There was a lot of shouting. Then they wrote a name on a piece of paper and left. This name was the name of their favorite old white guy. The old white
Newt Gingrich Leads Polls; Ron Paul Calls Next
WASHINGTON — In the wake of Herman Cain’s sex scandal, Newt Gringrich has surged to the top of the polls as the new Republican front-runner for the 2012 election. Ron Paul, a longtime Congressman from Texas, is not happy with the recent turn of events. “This is bullshit,” says Paul. “My turn was totally after Cain’s.” When the campaigning began earlier this year, Michelle Bachmann was quick to call dibs on the leader position, winning the Iowa Straw Poll. The
Mayor Tisdahl Pardons Tofurkey
Obama Pardons Turkey; Gitmo Detainees Still Waiting
White House Shooter Takes Metonymy Literally
WASHINGTON – Last Wednesday, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez fired a semiautomatic rifle at the White House, expecting to slay the building and take down the government. “I kept hearing on the news these crazy things the White House was doing,” said Ortega-Hernandez. “Katie Couric told me that ‘The White House finally passed its healthcare overhaul.’ Brian Williams reported, ‘The White House ordered plane strikes on Libya last week.’ It’s obvious the White House is responsible for the stupid liberal agenda that’s
Occupy Oakland Moves to San Francisco
“We’re out here protesting for real American jobs, not Oakland jobs.”
“Joe the Plumber” Launches Presidential Bid; Rick Perry Still Dumbest GOP Candidate
TOLEDO, OH – Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber,” unexpectedly announced Thursday his plans to challenge Obama in the 2012 presidential election. John McCain and Sarah Palin used “Joe the Plumber” as a metaphor for the middle class in the 2008 presidential election, so Wurzelbacher already enjoys nationwide name recognition. His platform focuses entirely on bad plumbing puns and one promise: “They’re not going to catch me in a lie.” One political commentator pointed out that an
Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies
PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza. “Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.” Cain apologized
Obama Discussed As Dark-Horse GOP Presidential Candidate
WASHINGTON – With the first Republican primaries right around the corner and the current batch of Republican candidates offering the less-than-compelling choice between “the crazy one” and “the one who didn’t win last time,” the GOP has realized it will need a charismatic personality to dethrone sitting president Barack Obama. Specifically, they need former Illinois Senator Barack Obama. The possibility of an Obama run for the Republican nomination was first discussed by Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who claimed that