Authorities Fail to Confine Santorum
“Today, America’s parents can finally begin to sleep soundly, knowing that I, Rick Santorum, am watching the asses of America’s youth.”
Category Archives: Politics
Texas Inmates Breathe Sigh Of Relief As Perry Helps Them Shave Off Pounds
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Standing like a triumphant Davy Crockett outside the most historical, revered building in all of the great nation of Texas, with the Denny’s sign brilliantly aglow behind his coifed locks, Governor Rick Perry spoke about his new plan to cut last meals for death row inmates. “No more will we have to bear the brunt of ragamuffin, tarnation-filled, yellow-bellied allegations that Texans are overweight. These inmates just have to learn to cut back.” Despite some uproar
I Still Can’t Believe You Never Found Those Emails
By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career. I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re
Dept. of Defense to Release Intel on Locating Pakistan
“‘Americans have the right to know how we’ve been working to protect them, spending ten long years for Pakistan’s exact location,’ said Anton Brownstone, who has been charge of the search since the early years of the Bush administration. . . Brownstone explained that it was his team who finally found Pakistan ‘hiding’ slightly above the Indian subcontinent.”
Congress to Prosecute Preteen Babysitters for Tax Fraud
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress passed an unprecedented bill Thursday creating an investigative task force to oversee the nation’s second-largest underground industry: babysitting. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), who sponsored the bill, explained that the bill “will not only provide an additional source of revenue for our nearly-broke government, but it will also send a message to Americans: you cannot get away with tax fraud!” The bill targets preteen and teenage babysitters, who every year collect billions of dollars of unreported income.
Birthers Apologetic and Tolerant Following Obama’s Disclosure of a Piece of Paper
WASHINGTON, DC- Following President Barack Obama’s release of his long-form birth certificate, Birthers nation-wide were left stunned and reticent as any lingering doubts about Obama’s legitimacy as their freely-elected leader were instantly banished, and ultra-right-wing leaders urged their constituents to engage elected officials in a polite, civil manner. Even adamant Birther Donald Trump ordered his supporters to “accept that [Obama] is our rightfully elected leader, and all future disagreements must be handled through negotiation and compromise, not chaos and thinly-veiled
Bin Laden Dead at 54; Just One Week from Retirement
“’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’
Everyone’s Favorite Pokemon Trainer Elected as ASG Vice President
EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as
Sex strike on Politicians in Belgium. Senators turn to mistresses.
BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.
FAA Mandates Sippy Cups on Flights
WASHINGTON—In response to the false hijacking alarm triggered by a cup of spilled coffee last week, the FAA issued a statement Monday mandating that pilots use sippy cups on all domestic and international flights. “Drinking out of big-boy cups is a privilege, not a right,” commented FAA Administrator, Randy Babbitt. “When our pilots show they have grown up, they can have that privilege back.” Babbitt also announced today that the FAA would be issuing Mickey Mouse and Big Bird cups