Following Defeat, O’Donnell Relapses into Witchcraft, Masturbation
“Curiously, she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”
Category Archives: Politics
Obama Completes Every Quiz on Sporcle; Republicans Win the House
WASHINGTON—President Obama announced his accomplishment of all 116,365 games on Sporcle one week after the 60-seat Republican sweep of the House. With Republican legislators sure to halt any legislation supported by the Democrats, Obama now has free time to kick back in the Oval Office. “After Tuesday night, I got to thinking about all of those college-aged young people who came out in droves for me in 2008 and considered going to polls this election but decided to watch The
Howard Dean Disappoints Debate Crowd With Lack Of Funny Noises
In front of a full Pick-Staiger auditorium last Wednesday, Howard Dean disappointed many supporters by not making any funny noises during his debate with former senator Rick Santorum. Dean’s constituency was devastated.
Arizona to Build Fence of Liberty
PHOENIX—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R) announced this week that the state would be building a Fence of Liberty to greet all those crossing over the border from Mexico. The new structure will be covered in copper, with armed guard towers aloft every 100 yards. On the US side, the fence will read July IV MDCCLXXVI, commemorating the Declaration of Independence, while on the Mexican side it will read April XXIII MMX, commemorating the passage of Arizona Senate Bill 1070, the
Northwestern to Retire John Paul Stevens’ Number
EVANSTON—Due to a dearth of athletic achievement at Northwestern, the University has decided to hang a banner in honor of retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. Justice Stevens attended Northwestern Law School before making it all the way to the Supreme Court. The banner will feature the number of cases he participated in below his last name. One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right
Arizona Cops to Recieve Training in Racial Profiling
PHOENIX, ARIZONA—The Arizona police department released a statement yesterday saying that an addition of 3 million dollars will supplement the police budget in order to improve the racial profiling skills of its officers. This spending increase comes on the heels of SB1070, which requires officers to ask for papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security
Obama to Decide Between Dredd and Fudge
WASHINGTON—As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge. Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has
Alessio Manti: Actually A Light Bulb Salesman
EVANSTON—After his defeat in Wednesday’s vital ASG election, certain facts about Claire’s opponent have come to light concerning his true agenda. Alessio Manti, long thought to be striving for a piece of the political pie, is in actuality a simple vendor of incandescent lights, as evidenced by his most prominent campaign icon, an “A” inside one of the devices. However, thanks to an overeager student body and his deep, sonorous voice easily confusable with that of a politician, he was
Claire and Hiro Save Cheerleader, World, ASG
EVANSTON—Civilians rejoiced on Wednesday after learning that vice president elect Hiro Kawashima had in fact saved Claire “The Cheerleader” Lew from the clutches of the sinister Alessio “Sylar” Manti. “Yatta!” exclaimed a delighted Kawashima as he stood next to the uninjured Lew, “I wish I could stop time right in this very moment.” Things were looking grim for Claire and Hiro yesterday after Manti made a promise to “inherit the thoughts of [current President] Mike McGee.” He claimed that he
Illegal Canadian Population Reaches 6
FORT KENT, ME—In a stunning turn of events from the White House this past week, the president has been partially pulled back to the border debates of yesteryear with the latest in the shocking development that yet another Canadian had made it past the notorious 5 foot stretch between Canada and the US known in some circles as “The Maple Express.” This is the first time in this millennium that one of our “snowy brethren” from the north has made