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EVANSTON—An investigation into the origins of the university’s most beloved landmark was sparked last month when a graduate student stumbled upon a curious article in the Daily Northwestern’s archives. Entitled “Disgruntled Freshman Freezes to Death,” the record from 1902 details the untimely demise of one Earl Worthington, a freshman who tripped into a newly-installed koi pool during a blustery October cold snap. Ellen Katz, who discovered the article while researching the mysterious origins of Dillo Day, was stunned by her
CHICAGO—For you, I made it seventy degrees. Now you can wear that new skirt you’ve been waiting to show off since, oh, late August. I mean, seriously, that low cut is really cute and everyone is looking at you, babe. What’s that you say an hour later? It’s raining and fifty? My bad. I can’t help but make it rain on them slightly flirtatious but ultimately shy NU girls. If it makes you feel better, I’ll throw in a little hail tonight.
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LANCASTER, PA—Ezekiel Lambright has found an outlet for his frustration at the complexities of modern society: the internet. A Pennsylvania Amish hog farmer, Lambright says that his desire to speak out began six months ago, when he found that his sons had been hiding their cell phone use. “I couldn’t believe my eyes! It’s like all our teachings were for naught! Jebediah and Abraham had not only been using cellular telephones, but they had run up an astronomical charge for
By Pope Benedict XVI EVANSTON – Help!!! I’m trapped inside the Sheil Catholic Center. Can’t you people see me banging on the window? I’m trapped for Pete’s sake! I don’t know how, but I woke up in a strange place and the next thing you know, I’m tiny. They shrunk me so that I can’t escape what has become an impenetrable fortress. Someone needs to do something. When I find out who’s done this, they’re most certainly going to get