Koch Brothers Fund ASG Candidates
Recent reports by the Illinois Election Committee have revealed that all of the candidates running for ASG President are being funded by the Koch Brothers.
Tag Archives: Corruption
New ASG Secret Police to Protect Senators from Peer Pressure
Modeled after the historically sophisticated state security agencies in the Soviet bloc, the agency will focus on counterintelligence operations with a heavy focus on sabotage of political dissidence.
NRA Lobbyist Forced to Undergo Background Check Before Purchasing Congressman
WASHINGTON –- NRA lobbyist Jack O’Neal fumed yesterday upon learning that he would be forced to undergo an extensive background check and 5-day waiting period before purchasing a new Congressman. O’Neal, an avid collector of US representatives, claims to have purchased eight senators in the past, and proudly boasts that not a single one has been registered with the proper authorities. “I fuckin’ knew it!” O’Neal reportedly ranted to anyone in earshot. “I knew Obama was comin’ for my senators!
Study: World Really Fucking Depressing
EARTH – According to a recent report issued by scientific journals, current events periodicals, supermarket tabloids, internet bloggers, the Federal Reserve, and the US Department of Transportation, planet Earth is a really fucking depressing place to live. Drawing from a sample size of over 6 billion people, the report found corruption, narcissism, violence, and willful ignorance to be rampant without exception in every environment settled by human beings. Although these predispositions were only observed in approximately 23% of the global
I Still Can’t Believe You Never Found Those Emails
By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career. I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re
Blagojevich Sells Olympics to Rio
COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder. “I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs.