Schwartz’s mother said that she is supportive of Schwartz’s transition onto the 2D plane so long as she promises to call more.
Category Archives: Local
In First Sign Of Progress, Local Kindergartners And Tree Squirrels Agree To Temporary Thanksgiving Ceasefire
The conflict most likely started when Jeremy Jones – the third-stickiest member of his kindergarden class – accidentally wiped his boogers inside the tree where Snuggles usually stores his acorns.
When asked what he liked about Thanksgiving, Winters commented, “I’m not feeling it this year. I mean, politics is crazy: climate change, gun violence, probably something else preventable is happening in Evanston.”
“Y’know, I saw that she wanted me to treat her with a modicum of respect, and I was like, woah bitch, you’re kinda asking a lot. Crazy much?”
“Uncle Bob just drinks consistently throughout dinner, but occasionally he says ‘Cheers!’ and clinks his wine glass and his vodka tonic together before downing both,” says Brenda.
“Basically, if you bring up anything except the weather he’ll start shaking uncontrollably.”
“Northwestern’s overreliance on outside zones cannot continue into the second decade of the 21st century.”
NUPD released a statement on Tuesday night that they’d caught a Mr. Johnny “The Mouse*” Bilderson, Evanston’s most prolific criminal. Mr. Bilderson has 0 robbery charges, 1 money laundering charge, and 17 loitering charges on his rap sheet, making him the most dangerous criminal in Evanston history. Johnny was caught when it was revealed he’d been laundering money for the various Evanston crime families (colloquially known as “fraternities”) through a “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” service in a deli
Matthew Steinway, a junior majoring in Creative Writing, has written the next great American novel after a 76-hour writing session fueled by mango-flavored vodka and microwavable Lean Cuisine meals. With baggy eyes and jittery hands, Matthew tells the Flipside, “The writing I produced during the session will be regarded as the literary event of the millennium. It is an anti-war, anti-capitalism, both pre- and postmodernist hodgepodge that explores the deepest roots of what it means to be human, as well
In Complete 180, The Daily Northwestern to Publish Names, Numbers, and Addresses of All Student Protesters
We’re not going to let little things like ‘journalistic integrity’ and ‘restraining orders’ stop us.