Legrande warned reporters that visiting luxurious hotels, perfectly-manicured beaches, and 4-star restaurants with even tenuously-related kin could potentially do irreparable damage to an average adult’s heart.
“Now that I am twenty, I think it’s the best time to get more firmly settled in the adolescent image, maybe even take it back a little bit, add some of the princess props, teddy bears, and stuff like that.”
I planned to read at least 5 books on the Modern Library Top 100 List, but I actually only read a Seventeen Magazine from October 2009.
NEW YORK, NY — Carlos Danger, the greatest Internet celebrity since hall-of-fame class act Amanda Bynes, has changed his name in response to the confused and critical responses he received on social media today. The Mexican vigilante and dick-pic-taker extraordinaire felt his identity was severely compromised and degraded when throngs of social media aficionados and standup wannabes criticized his vaguely racially-offensive pseudonym in somewhat more racially-offensive one-liners. “The idea to use my name as the label for the Republican immigration
PARIS, FRANCE — Chris Froome, the recent champion of the 100th Tour de France, was reportedly ecstatic to receive news of the birth of His Highness the Prince of Cambridge on Monday. Froome, who won the month-long, 2,100 mile bike race by the largest margin since 2005, hurriedly raced to the finish line in the last stage to see if Kate had delivered the baby yet. “I can’t believe the royal baby has arrived! What did it weigh, half a stone? Wow.
THE INTERNET — Incoming freshmen Kerry Stahlin and Nicole Silva officially became roommates yesterday. Silva quickly accepted Stahlin’s offer to room together, a product of months of Facebook inbox flirtation. “Kerry is just so me. I feel like I’ve known the girl my entire life,” Silva explained. Although Stahlin and Silva have never met, their online communication clearly conveys that they are an undeniably perfect pair. The relationship began shortly after early decision letters were released. Silva messaged Stahlin in
EVANSTON — Due to Tuesday’s MLB All-Star Game, #ASG was a trending tag on Twitter. The Northwestern Associated Student Government said it was the greatest moment – literally the greatest moment, free of any controversy or procedural bickering – in the history of the organization. “We were ecstatic,” said Matthew Silver, ASG’s Vice President of Coincidental Social Media Publicity. “This is the kind of moment that my office, and all of Northwestern, has been waiting for.” The fact that the
“Pass the Gardettos,” you say? Is that what you want? Tell me, what IS a Gardetto? Is it the rye chips? Is it the teeny tiny crunchy bread sticks? Is it the unsalted yet delicious pretzels? No! A Gardetto is not any of those things! I have some news for you, bub! A Gardetto is not a food. It is not a snack. It is not a plural noun. It is a name. Do not tell me to pass you
PARIS — Three weeks into his two-month Study Abroad program, rising senior Jimmy Bullock confirmed today that he has successfully completed Season 4 of critically-acclaimed drama Breaking Bad. The AMC program, which begins its 6th and final season this August, was reportedly savored by Bullock in binge-watching marathons during free evenings and weekends while other students in the program were taking advantage of their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to explore Europe. “This program is fantastic!” Bullock gushed in a recent blog post,