Sex Week Paves Way for Abortion Month

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EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week. “Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

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Everyone’s Favorite Pokemon Trainer Elected as ASG Vice President

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EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as

Read more Local, No. 56, Politics

NU Apologizes to Blind Students in Email

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EVANSTON – A lawsuit was filed against Northwestern University last March by a group of blind students. The students claimed that the University was discriminating against blind students by using a Google email client that is not fully compatible with text-to-speech software. Last week, Northwestern administrators apologized to the blind students in an email sent out to the Students With Disabilities listserv. Below is the text of that email. from: uservices@northwestern.edu <uservices@northwestern.edu> to: SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu <SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu> date: Fri, Mar. 15, 2011

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Indiana Restricts Abortion: Just What We Need, More Hoosiers

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Recently, Indiana’s Republican-controlled legislature has moved to impose some of the strictest controls on abortion of any state in the nation. These measures are expected to pass with little real opposition and can only mean one thing for the rest of the country: more damn Hoosiers. You know what this means. More rabid basketball fans chomping down on deep-fried pork products while somehow pretending to be Irish on a regular basis. More people who have actually been to Kokomo and

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How do I get off of this Listserv?

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Seriously, how can I get off this thing?  I’ve been getting these emails for like six months now ever since I put my name on some list at the events fair.  I’ve never even been to an Outing Club meeting.  I mean sure, rock climbing and kayaking sound great, but I just don’t have time for this stuff.  How can I take my name off the list?  I just don’t understand why I’m still on it.  Don’t they, like, go

Read more No. 55, Opinion

Fermilab Finds New Elementary Particle

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BATAVIA, IL – Last Thursday, Fermilab researchers announced that after smashing a lot of things together moving really really fast, they finally discovered a new fundamental particle. Scientists have decided to call the particle a “brickon.” “At first we didn’t know what to make of this particle,” said Fermilab scientist Carl Jacobs. “In the past, we have observed entities that look like larger, differently colored versions of brickons, but this is the first time we have truly observed the particle

Read more No. 55, Sci/Tech
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