Rock Star Writes Song About Book Rest of World Read in 8th Grade
Rock Star Writes Song About Book Rest of World Read in 8th Grade
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Indiana Restricts Abortion: Just What We Need, More Hoosiers
Recently, Indiana’s Republican-controlled legislature has moved to impose some of the strictest controls on abortion of any state in the nation. These measures are expected to pass with little real opposition and can only mean one thing for the rest of the country: more damn Hoosiers. You know what this means. More rabid basketball fans chomping down on deep-fried pork products while somehow pretending to be Irish on a regular basis. More people who have actually been to Kokomo and
How do I get off of this Listserv?
Seriously, how can I get off this thing? I’ve been getting these emails for like six months now ever since I put my name on some list at the events fair. I’ve never even been to an Outing Club meeting. I mean sure, rock climbing and kayaking sound great, but I just don’t have time for this stuff. How can I take my name off the list? I just don’t understand why I’m still on it. Don’t they, like, go
Fermilab Finds New Elementary Particle
BATAVIA, IL – Last Thursday, Fermilab researchers announced that after smashing a lot of things together moving really really fast, they finally discovered a new fundamental particle. Scientists have decided to call the particle a “brickon.” “At first we didn’t know what to make of this particle,” said Fermilab scientist Carl Jacobs. “In the past, we have observed entities that look like larger, differently colored versions of brickons, but this is the first time we have truly observed the particle
Student Contracts Deadly Disease After Setting Foot on Shower Floor
“I’ve started to lose feeling in my leg,” Gonzalez says. “Every time I take a step it feels really tingly, kind of like someone is stabbing me with a blade covered in hot sauce.”Â
Rambling, Incoherent Drug Addict Found on Soapbox in Detroit
Due to NFL Lockout, Players Forced to Actually Learn
EVANSTON — Due to the recent NFL lockout, universities across the country are being forced to reconsider their football programs, which often allow players to attend college without ever really being challenged. Some schools have chosen to actually try to educate their players, but the more common response has been to simply send them back to middle school, where they will fit in academically. According to Bill Finkelton, the director of the University of Alabama football program, they’re going to
Class of 2015 More Diverse than Humanly Possible (By Morton Shapiro)
In the never-ending quest for more diversity, Northwestern has finally won. Pop open the Champaign, sake, unfiltered water—whatever your culture does. It’s time to fucking celebrate. Listen to this class breakdown and try not to be over-fucking-whelmed by the diversity rainbow. 30 percent Native American, 25 percent African American, 15 percent Asian, 10 percent from countries that haven’t even formed yet. … Let me pause to give you a second to clean off whatever you just jizzed onto your screen…
Point-Counterpoint: Should the Debate Team Celebrate Their Victory with a Party?
The Debate Team Deserves a Party! By Clare Roth OH HELL YES we gon’ party. (Like it’s our birthdays, gonna sip Barcardi like it’s our—wait, hold up those are the lyrics right? Yes? No? That shit was my jam back at the 7th grade parties) As you will see by the end of this debate, the answer is clear that we, the winning Northwestern Debate Team, should have a party. I’ll break it down for you. We never have anything