Author Archives: Sam Block

Romney Appeals to Undecided NU Voters by Promising to Open Frontera Fresco Before the Election

EVANSTON — With only days remaining until the election, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney stood outside Norris University Center and promised Northwestern students he would ensure Frontera Fresco opened before Election Day. “I’m a businessman,” Romney said. “I know how create jobs in this country and I’ll do it here, with Frontera Fresco.” “Construction jobs,” he added. “Do those count as manufacturing?” Explaining the delays in construction, Sodexo claimed they had not realized students would be returning to school as early

Marlins Owners Disappointed to Learn People Can Understand What Ozzie Guillen is Saying

MIAMI, FL – Miami Marlins ownership was shocked this week to learn not only does Ozzie Guillen speak English, but that people can actually understand what he is saying. It was only after this already shocking revelation that Marlins Owner Jeffery Loria realized that Guillen praised one of the world’s worst dictators. “We specifically hired a manager who could speak the language of our players,” Loria said. “We did not realize he also spoke English.” “It’s pretty disappointing,” Loria added.

Four Die in Helicopter Parent Crash

EVANSTON – Two prospective students and their helicopter parents died Tuesday during a tour of Northwestern. The tragedy occurred after Mrs. Maddie Lees, 46, and Ms. Rebecca Schlessinger, 48, started asking a series of questions about standardized test scores that spun out of control. Mrs. Lees started to lose control when she learned that SAT IIs were recommended, but not required, even though she personally paid for a private US History tutor and do you know how much those cost.

Obama Mic’d Up

WASHINGTON – President Obama inadvertently left his microphone turned on last Thursday, bluntly revealing to the country what it means to be leader of the free world: [10:02 a.m.] Glad this mic is turned off. [10:05 a.m.] Yo Joe, if I had a son, I hope he wouldn’t look like Mitch McConnell. At least he’d be an American citizen, though. I’m glad we raised taxes so we could spend all that extra money of the birth certificate forging department. [10:08

Where Are They Now?: The Fucksaw

This report continues our series “Where Are They Now?” This week’s installment was written by Northwestern’s infamous Fucksaw. By The Fucksaw Hey, it’s nice to see you all again. I’ve been pretty busy. In and out, you know. As I always say, when life gives you lemons, penetrate them. I’ll be frank with you. I wasn’t that happy with how they treated me in the media, being new to Northwestern and all. It was like all these parents spending $200,000

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