Mayor Tisdahl to Shut Down Northwestern Keg: Musings of a Drunk Medill Student
Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.
Author Archives: Tom Schroeder
Mayor Tisdahl to Shut Down
Al-Qaeda Admit That Mark Wahlberg Would Have Kicked Their Asses
After Wahlberg claimed that “[the hijacking] wouldn’t have went down like it did” in a Men’s Journal interview, Al-Qaeda spokesmen ceded that years of planning and use of terror tactics would have completely unraveled in the steely, unsmiling face of the Contraband star.
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day Causes Annual Peak In White Guilt
EVANSTON – This past Monday, Caucasian students all over Northwestern’s campus banded together to feel collectively uncomfortable as the nation celebrated Martin Luther King Jr. Day. While a service day on Saturday and a Monday night vigil were held in King’s honor, the biggest tribute to his legacy was the multitude of slight sensations of guilt held within the hearts of all the privileged Aryan Northwestern students. “I spent the whole day feeling a vague sense of unease. Maybe I’m
Holiday Decorations Boost Campus Blue-Lights to Federal Minimum
Tanorexia a Growing Concern for Uprooted Guidos
MTV’s Jersey Shore Cast Raises Awareness for Spreading Medical Concern SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, Vinny, Pauly D, and the rest of the cast have suffered from “tanorexia,” struggling to maintain an even burnt-orange base-coat last season. The seriousness of
4000-Year-Old NU Student Found Preserved in Norris Ice Rink
EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old. “This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved state of the body will give us a great idea of what college life was like during the dawn of man.” Tooth explained that the
Rex Ryan Eats Words, Adds Salt and Butter
“I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”
Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Wins GOP Iowa Caucus
The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.
Man Gratifies Self In Shower After Fulfilling Workout
The witness told The Flipside that “every time we tried to talk him down, he just kept stroking his ego more and more.”
Pat Fitzgerald Arrested for Acts of Humanitarianism
“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions.”