BREAKING: Students Staying for Thanksgiving Are Totally Okay with It
“Yeah man, I don’t miss my family at all. Bunch of… people… I don’t like…”
Category Archives: Archives
White Guilt, Jewish Guilt to Converge on Same Night
Aging Jewish seniors have already begun preparing passive-aggressive emotional blackmail for their children, grandchildren, and friends, setting a minimum quota of convincing at least TWO family members to purchase houses within a mile radius of their own.
Chet Haze: Where Is He Now?
Life without everyone’s favorite rapper, philosopher and Wildcat has left the Northwestern student body struggling to find its way without Chet’s artistic talent and thoughtful Twitter insights.
Alaskan Student Finally Decides to Shut Dorm Room Window
On a side note, a new campus policy has been implemented banning polar bears as pets.
Report: Daily Northwestern Still a Thing, Apparently
The editorial staff of one of Northwestern’s oldest and least-read student publications has confirmed that the heavily-outdated form of media it calls The Daily is still alive and well, and in fact is still trying to deliver news to Northwestern students and Evanston residents alike.
The Flipside Investigates: Xbox One or PS4?
According to Microsoft, over 1 million Xbox One consoles were sold in its first twenty-four hours on the market, and only several people were trampled or robbed in the process. These figures match those of the PS4 release, which Sony said also were about 1 million consoles in its first twenty-four hours.
Northwestern University Football Team Loses Game
While the Northwestern team repeatedly threw the ball very far and oftentimes ran with it after making these very far throws, the other team was able to more effectively perform a similar sequence of throwing, catching, and running with the football.
NU Fashion Magazine Releases Yet Another Issue You’re Not In
Take the hint and start wearing tiger fur instead of jeans.
Sophomore Sells Crack to Fundraise for Dance Marathon
McClaren packaged his product and took it to the outlying neighborhoods of Chicago, where he sold it to other dealers, homeless addicts, and several mayors of various Canadian cities. He used a portion of the profits to fund the production of the next batch and the rest went to his DM fund.
Atheist Churches Declare Crusade to Reclaim Washington D.C.
“Forget the body and blood of Christ,” says atheist church-goer Bobby Anderson. “Cookies and beer are way better.” The movement, which began in the United Kingdom as something for atheists to do on Sunday mornings until restaurants opened for brunch, is now a worldwide phenomenon.