Uggs’ New Line of Ice Skate Boots Are All the Rage on College Sidewalks
Category Archives: Archives
Things We Are Giving Up for Lent
Now that Mardi Gras is over, it’s time for us to get serious and make sacrifices that will improve our spiritual well-being. With that in mind, here are some things we are giving up for Lent.
Area Botanist: ‘Condom Roses’ Entirely Wrong Genus
EVANSTON — A local botanist claims that the condom roses sold by Northwestern University’s Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators (SHAPE) do not belong in the genus Rosa, stating “they’re not really anything like any rose out there.” Jennifer Leary, a member of the North Shore Garden Club, made this claim after observing a sample of the condom roses, saying that based on the plant’s leaf structure, petal counts, stamen, pistil, and other parts of the flower, the plant could
Irate David Bowie Demands to Know Why Reporter Wants *HIS* Opinion on Gay Marriage in UK
The State of Gone Greek Night
Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches. Good morning, my fellow Greek students of Northwestern University. Thank you for waking up from your drunken stupor and forgetting about how much your feet hurt from five inch platform heels. After much careful analysis and plenty of water drinking, I have concluded that the
Morty Authorizes Drone Strikes On Students Wearing Other Schools’ Apparel
EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. Presidentâs tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.” The new
Boy Scouts to Begrudgingly Allow Gays, But Blacks Are Back Out
University Shuttles to Run Only When Youâre Not There
EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when youâre not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon. âPart of this new policy comes from the extra snow weâve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,â said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. âBut itâs mostly to build character.â Colhoff said youâll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather
RIM Hopes New Brickbreaker Only Phone Will Increase Blackberry Sales
Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated
EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. âIâm not racist,â the teen said. âI just donât think itâs fair that I worked so hard and still didnât get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the â60s were still in place, this never wouldâve