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Team of Archaeologists to Find Rumored Einstein’s Bagels

May 6, 2010 Sam Hazlett 3 comments

EVANSTON—Legend tells of an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus. Every once in a while, somebody claims to have caught a glimpse of the yellow letters that make up the title, but nobody can identify its exact location. It’s as if whoever built this store never intended for it to actually get any business. After much research and deliberation, a team of archaeologists has decided to make it their mission to find it. The legend of the Einstein Bros. Bagels has

Commissioner Stern Reinstates NBA Doesn’t Care Charity

May 6, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy. “I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the co How To Talk To An Ex Girlfriend You Want Back mmunity.” Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this

Area Nerd Still in Search of Hogwarts Application

May 6, 2010 Emilia Barrose Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts. Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications. “Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how

Evanston Whole Foods to Become Retirement Home

May 6, 2010 Michael Anders Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65. “I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”.

Obama to Decide Between Dredd and Fudge

May 6, 2010 Jay Calhoun

WASHINGTON—As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge. Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has

CW to Make Show About Pretty White Girl with Problems in Big City

April 18, 2010 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD—The CW has announced that come this fall they will air a new show called My Problems, a sitcom about a rich white girl placed in a new environment. The creator hinted at plot points including the main character meeting mostly white friends with one minority represented, one of her male friends turning out to be gay, and a tough decision between two gorgeous men. Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesperson, remarked: “We at the CW felt that we didn’t have

Alessio Manti: Actually A Light Bulb Salesman

April 18, 2010 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After his defeat in Wednesday’s vital ASG election, certain facts about Claire’s opponent have come to light concerning his true agenda. Alessio Manti, long thought to be striving for a piece of the political pie, is in actuality a simple vendor of incandescent lights, as evidenced by his most prominent campaign icon, an “A” inside one of the devices. However, thanks to an overeager student body and his deep, sonorous voice easily confusable with that of a politician, he was