Category Archives: Archives
Al Gore Wistfully Stares at Signature Before Adding Prefix âViceâ
NEW YORKâFormer Vice President Al Gore hastily scratched in the word âViceâ before âPresident Al Goreâ Monday, startled from a moment lost in thought as a staffer asked if he was done endorsing a non-binding U.N. resolution. Internal sources report his âViceâ has grown increasingly haphazardly-placed in relation to the rest of his title and is always written last, often in lowercase. The Nobel Prize winner currently divides his time between leading his Alliance for Climate Protection, and adding work
Mayfest, Hillel Bring Regina Spektor, Rabbi Joseph to Dillo Day
EVANSTONâWith students at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a-rts already broken in excitement for Regina Spektor, Mayfest announced its second headliner for 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph. Famous for songs like “Shabbat Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and “Give Me a Fucking Break, Palestine,” Rabbi Josephâs name was a hard-won prize for NU. As with Spektor, Hillel contributed a large portion of their vast funding received through various donations, matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. At least thirty percent of campus is schvitzing with excitement; many others
Claire and Hiro Save Cheerleader, World, ASG
EVANSTONâCivilians rejoiced on Wednesday after learning that vice president elect Hiro Kawashima had in fact saved Claire âThe Cheerleaderâ Lew from the clutches of the sinister Alessio âSylarâ Manti. âYatta!â exclaimed a delighted Kawashima as he stood next to the uninjured Lew, âI wish I could stop time right in this very moment.â Things were looking grim for Claire and Hiro yesterday after Manti made a promise to âinherit the thoughts of [current President] Mike McGee.â He claimed that he
SigEp Brother Receives Brobel Peace Prize
Anthropology Graduate Student Discovers Social Life
EVANSTONâIn a startling discovery garnering the attention of local news media, NU Anthropology major and incipient researcher Allison Dumke, through her immersion in local culture, has uncovered the existence of a social life. âI will not commit the error of overgeneralizingâoften called the âethnographic fallacy,âânor yet speculate on the structural or political economic exigencies of my subjects,â Dumke said, âbut it appears they deploy this âsocial life,â if you will, to haveâin a hegemonically constructed, definitely not a priori or
ESPN Projects Pittsburgh Pirates to Win World Series
PITTSBURGHâThe Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance. According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, âIf you look at the numbers, itâs obvious. Based on their young
Devil-Smitten Fratâs Hell Week Falls During Easter
Ricky Martin Now Livin’ La Vida Bro-ca
Jews Create Passover Lamb Mascot to Rival Easter Bunny
WILLIAMSBURG, NYâRabbi Zev Cohen announced on Monday that the Kid-Oriented Semetic Heritage Expression Registry (KOSHER) has officially created a child-friendly mascot commemorating the holiday of Passover, Schleppy the Passover Lamb. âWe noticed the success of the Easter Bunny,â explained Cohen, âand thought it would be smart to create a mascot to emulate its success.â Cohenâs bubbe then interrupted the press conference by asking the rabbi if he wanted more lox, causing a 5-minute interruption. The contest to design the mascot