CORRECTIONS: In last week’s piece on the recent high-energy particle tests conducted by University of Chicago scientists, the requisite slew of juvenile rival-school trash-talk was left out. The Northwesten Flipside regrets this omission.
EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties. Jack Smannikan, a sophomore
By Professor John McSnoot Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought. There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning.
FAIRFIELD, IA—Despite her lack of travel experience outside the tri-state area and her inability to remember the word “Muslim” unless prompted, 78-year-old Iowan Terese Norris has risen to become an authority on the inner-workings of the terrorist network Al-Qaeda. Norris’s counter-insurgency expertise was highlighted when she detailed the terrorist’s day-to-day logistical operations to her family as they sat around the Christmas table. Norris also notified family members that their small town of Fairfield was quietly nested in the middle of
EVANSTON—A new study by the For Research Association Today (FRAT) revealed that people who spend more time looking at their cell phone than engaging in face-to-face conversations are much more popular. “Think about it,” said Nick Kite, “When you talk in person you can only talk to a couple of people at once, but I have hundreds of contacts on my cell phone.” “And don’t get me started about how many Facebook friends I have” added Kite. When meeting somebody
EVANSTON—Alarmed when she realized that she had neglected her plants on the Facebook application “Farmville,” Weinberg junior Mary Kate’s frustrated screams were taken out-of-context after being heard in the quad. “No one has fertilized my crops in two hours!” Kate shouted angrily. A member of Phi Mu Alpha (Northwestern’s music fraternity) happened to be walking by the Theta house when he heard Kate’s exclamation. He quickly posted the quote as his Facebook status, starting a snowball effect that quickly lost
Delta Upsilon, a predominantly undead frat, was busted earlier in the week for having a full wall in their basement dedicated to girls they had “dined and dashed” on. This wall assigned points to the most gluttonous eaters who had “hit” the most girls. The frat assigned points to each girl they had eaten or planned to eat, setting goals for larger girls that took more perseverance to eat, and red-headed girls, known as “gingers,” that were less attainable due
EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.
RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities. “It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him