By An Actual Drunk Man* So its been a great dfay. It’s been fucking difficult trying to login to write this ariticel. Â I mena so what if my password was wrong the first threew times shouldnty i still be able to use my free speech. Its the first ammendment. Â I shall not be silenced by the password code. Â What was i writing abouyt? Â of yeah dillo day. Â Dydude we dont evewn have any armadillos here . Â ity should have
EVANSTON—Almost a dozen Northwestern country music fans were in disarray this past Tuesday when they learned of Mayfest’s final performer, rapper Rhymefest. Cramped into a booth at a nearby diner, the handful of fans nursed their disappointment with cheap whiskey: for the 38th time, their favorite performers were snubbed. Said Cletus Owens, a Junior transfer from Arkansas Agriculture and Whining, “I thought for sure we could pull off Rascal Flatts, maybe even Hank Williams Jr.. But Rhymefest? He ain’t country.”
EVANSTON—Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.” Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left
He got hit when he let loose his “Pimp Juice” He wasn’t paying attention when the ump said “Batter Up” It got a little rough when she went over to “My Place” “Tip drill” gone bad “Ridin’” with an Axe Murderer Angry Redneck attacked him for correcting his “Country Grammar” Cut himself opening the only copy sold of “Brass Knuckles” To cover up the scuff mark when he was kicked in the face by some “Air Force Ones” Got a
HOLLYWOOD—NBC executives announced today the launch of a brand new drama which will debut next fall. It’s called 24: Lost and will focus on a protagonist, Shepherd Bauer who tries to prevent terrorist attacks on a strange island. According to producers, the drama will feature numerous twists and turns which will shock the audience like nothing they have ever seen before. The Flipside has obtained a leaked script for an episode from the first season which surely serves as an
LOS ANGELES—In a press conference Tuesday, the management team for 32-year-old American musician John Mayer unveiled the next step in building his popularity. “He must die,” manager Michael McDonald told the gathering. “With John’s untimely death in the coming year, we’re confident that he will be cemented right up there with all the greats of popular music. His current fans will become superfans, and those who once found him annoying will respect him as having been ‘actually pretty talented.’ It’s
EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts. Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications. “Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how
HOLLYWOOD—The CW has announced that come this fall they will air a new show called My Problems, a sitcom about a rich white girl placed in a new environment. The creator hinted at plot points including the main character meeting mostly white friends with one minority represented, one of her male friends turning out to be gay, and a tough decision between two gorgeous men. Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesperson, remarked: “We at the CW felt that we didn’t have
EVANSTON—With students at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a-rts already broken in excitement for Regina Spektor, Mayfest announced its second headliner for 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph. Famous for songs like “Shabbat Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and “Give Me a Fucking Break, Palestine,” Rabbi Joseph’s name was a hard-won prize for NU. As with Spektor, Hillel contributed a large portion of their vast funding received through various donations, matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. At least thirty percent of campus is schvitzing with excitement; many others
EVANSTON—Local farmer Buck Jansen was involved in a drug bust Thursday after selling marijuana to local mobster Joe Zamboni, authorities said. Jansen, a highly respected farmer in the area, is best known for his completion of Level Two Daffodil Mastery after just one day of farming. Locals are shocked at this sudden turn of morality. “Last time I checked his page, Jansen had rescued a lonely pink cow from his farm,” said Farmville resident Johnson Smith. “He was always willing