Obama Spotted at Deuce Thursday
Using his motorcade in place of an Uber, the leader of the free world saw no reason not to indulge in $3 beers.
Category Archives: Local
Peer Advisor Accused of BS
Another student, Franco B. Iglesias noted, “I started to suspect something when he wouldn’t stop emphasizing how great our social lives would be at Northwestern. I could literally smell the BS.”
Class of 2018’s Night Out “Wild”
Inside the illicitly-occupied buildings, things were getting a bit crazy. Freshman boys from Bobb pretended to know how to smoke marijuana and only coughed a lot a little.
Freshman’s Room Robbed by New Friends
Before leaving, she informed her floormates that her door was unlocked so they were welcome to go in and get some of her mom’s “famous peanut butter cookies.”
Evanston Residents Miss Students, Can’t Wait for Class of 2018
Julie Barrett, 53, feels to be one of the most afflicted, which pushed her to spearhead the “Bring Me Your Stoned and Wasted,” an association of Evanstonites who are missing the smell of fresh yard-puke in the morning.
Graduating Senior Totally Ready to Move On, Definitely Not Terrified by Real World
The senior explained that time gives no preference to hastening or delaying the arrival of any event; that is, the end of the world and commencement are approaching at exactly the same rate.
Senior Year Experience Committee Emulates Mayfest Wristband Policy Because That Was in No Way A Disaster
Despite similar shortages occurring last year, the organizing committee of Senior Week opted to maintain the status quo because of course they did.
Investment Guide: Analysts Conflicted on Dillo Day Wristband Market
Since initial trading began at the Chicago Board of Exchange two weeks ago, investors have flocked to obtain the wristband and despite the trading cap at maximum three bands per investor, the commodity is flying off the shelves.
BREAKING: Mayfest Runs out of Wristbands, Even for Students with Wildcards
Hours after making Wednesday’s announcement that guest wristband distribution has been suspended, Mayfest clarified their statement to reflect the fact that they have no wristbands left at all.
DILLO DAY: Wristband Policy to Prove More Memorable than Actual Concert
A recent poll revealed that 86% of the student body labeled this year’s Dillo Day changes “inconvenient and unnecessary,” while only 24% of students could recall the names of the artists set to perform.