Category Archives: Local

Cop Gets Denied at the Door of Tappa Tappa Keg

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EVANSTON — Police officer Bob Hankervich went to the frat quad this previous Saturday night to investigate reports of underage drinking. As he walked up the stairs to the frat in question, Tappa Tappa Keg junior George Kerry got ready to deny another dweeb. The cop approached Kerry assuming he would step aside, but instead he stood firmly in front of the door and offered a “what’s up bro?” with an introductory head nod. According to Northwestern Police records, Hankervich

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New Sorority Freshman Gains “Pledge Baby 15”

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BOBB SECOND FLOOR BATHROOM — Following a Pledge Mom week filled with candy and cookie surprises, Omega Tau Mu freshman Courtney Fields found herself staring at the bathroom mirror, moaning and sobbing. All week, Fields posted pictures of her awesome gifts to Facebook all with captions such as, “LOVEEE my Pledge Mama whoeva you are <3!!!” Recently, however, Fields changed her tone, posting a picture of her love handles with the caption, “Fuck you.” Her recent weight gain has really

Read more Local, No. 103

Some New Building to Be Built on Campus, Costs Gazillions

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EVANSTON — Northwestern University administration announced today that construction on some long-awaited expensive building of questionable utility is to finally start next month. Spokesman of the Department of New Structures, Allyson Spencer, told The Flipside, “This is a great moment for all 25 people that will actually be using this building, and for the 100+ members of the future cleaning and maintenance staff. Thanks to donations from a random wealthy alumnus, we have the opportunity to provide state-of-the-art facilities for

Read more Local, No. 102

Class of 2017 Excited to “Hang Out at the Lakefill and Eat Frontera”

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THE INTERNET — The Northwestern University Class of 2017 Facebook group saw a three-hundred percent increase in activity this past week when soul-searching accepted student Alyssa Gianonne asked the deep and philosophical question preoccupying every early-decision applicant’s mind: “So what’s everyone, like, MOST excited for next year?” Gianonne commented on her own post thirty seconds later explaining that marching through the historic campus arch, erected in 1993, is something that she predicts will be life changing. Within minutes, Gianonne’s post

Read more Local, No. 102

The State of the Tour Guides

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Fellow guides, the state of the TGs is awesome! There is not a single thing wrong with anything on this campus or within this group of 120ish tightly knit undergrads and graduates who haven’t yet found a real job! Let me tell you why. This podium in front of me was built in 1851 by our founder, the same guy who built The Rock, with his bare hands! That’s definitely a true fact!

Read more Local, No. 102

Big/Little Week Coincides with Body Acceptance Week

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EVANSTON — It appears that in their perhaps overenthusiastic preparation for Big/Little Week, campus sororities have inadvertently undone preparations for Body Acceptance Week, sponsored by Northwestern Counseling and Psychological Services. “Changing the language from mom/daughter to big/little is great for the new members, but for a lot of sororities it may have actually caused more harm than good,” said CAPS spokeswoman Deborah McCormick. This year’s “bigs” reportedly want to feel less big. According to a study conducted by extremely bored

Read more Local, No. 102

Area Botanist: ‘Condom Roses’ Entirely Wrong Genus

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EVANSTON — A local botanist claims that the condom roses sold by Northwestern University’s Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators (SHAPE) do not belong in the genus Rosa, stating “they’re not really anything like any rose out there.” Jennifer Leary, a member of the North Shore Garden Club, made this claim after observing a sample of the condom roses, saying that based on the plant’s leaf structure, petal counts, stamen, pistil, and other parts of the flower, the plant could

Read more Local, No. 102

The State of Gone Greek Night

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Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches. Good morning, my fellow Greek students of Northwestern University. Thank you for waking up from your drunken stupor and forgetting about how much your feet hurt from five inch platform heels. After much careful analysis and plenty of water drinking, I have concluded that the

Read more Local, No. 102
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