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Category Archives: Local

Bailey: “I was on a drug, it’s called J. Michael Bailey”

March 9, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Controversial NU psychology professor J. Michael Bailey was under attack again today for his approval of a live sex demonstration at an after class event. Critics in and out of the psychology world say Bailey crossed an ethical line, one that should result in punishment for him and Northwestern University. “I was on a drug,” Bailey told Flipside investigators, “it’s called J. Michael Bailey. It’s not available because if you try it once, you’ll have an orgasm three

ASG Changes Something or Other; NU Students Continue to Not Give a Shit

March 4, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

Wednesday, ASG President Claire Lew announced that they were changing something about something they do once more, sending waves of apathy through Northwestern. “Wait, exactly what again does ASG do?” said sophomore Mark Raynor, in response to the complete overhaul or structural reform or whatever the hell they decided to make different. Lew says this will completely revitalize/rejuvenate/switch how the organization will handle/delegate/petition students/faculty/Evanston citizens. “Northwestern blah blah blah connection blah blah relationship blah blah blah,” she said in a

[Classifieds] Northwestern University Psychology Department

March 4, 2011 Brian Lee Leave a comment

— HELP WANTED — Ladies needed for educational demonstration of toy drills. Required to work naked in a public setting. Compensation will include appropriate payment and a souvenir toy. Contact: bailey@northwestern.edu and Human sexuality psychologist needed for Psychology department. Required to conduct research in Evanston, IL and teach Psychology 337. Responsible applicants only.

Local computer systems analyst Bob to perform at Dillo Day

March 4, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

“Yeah, I don’t screw with Bob,” explained B.o.B, “that dude is the hardest motherfuckin’ computer systems analyst I know.”

Communication Studies Students Accurately Divide Restaurant Bill, Plus Tip

March 4, 2011 Zach Silva Leave a comment

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Four Teens Lost in Hollister for Better Part of Day

February 17, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

[by Cla4732] Due to a lack of all natural and artificial light, two boys and two girls who had gone on a double mall date ended up wandering around Hollister for four hours yesterday. Sources report that the pounding music and overpowering smell of cologne added to their disorientation. While Amanda and Chris groped through racks of sequins and preschool-sized jeans, Joey and Suzie groped each other, furiously making out 3 feet from their companions. After finding the exit with

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Fab 5 Becomes Fab 4 After Susie Gets Braces

February 17, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The whole social order of Northshore Middle School changed dramatically the day Susie Donalds got her braces. She had apparently been keeping her impending defacement a secret, so it came as quite a shock to her former “bffeaeae” (translated from 7th grade speak, this means “best friends forever and ever and ever”), members of the “Fab 5” clique Tiffany, Brittany, Barbie and Kelly. “We just, like, didn’t know what to do,” clique leader Tiffany told us. “It was

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Local, No. 52

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Gabby and Ariel’s Social Calendar is, like, totally filled with Bat Mitzvahs

February 17, 2011 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

Gabby and Ariel are, like, totally the hottest JAPs at school. They only wear Marc Jacobs, and they get invited to EVERY Bat Mitzvah. G + A (as they call themselves) spend the Saturday morning services taking trips to the bathroom to gossip and flirting with the boys from different schools across the room. Between the service and the party, G + A are very busy making a “kissing web” that shows who everyone in the school has kissed. They

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Long-Term Couple Breaks It Off After Three Weeks

February 17, 2011 Clare Roth 2 comments

[by Cla4732] EVANSTON – In a breakup that shook Haven Middle School girls’ faith in love and sent shockwaves throughout the seventh grade class, “it” couple Brett Flores and Bianca Tobin have broken off their almost-month-long relationship, the longest Haven’s seventh grade had seen. The breakup came after Brett IMed Bianca “Brett + Bianca = 69”, after which Bianca sent the crushing reply, “we R thru.” Sources close to the couple could confirm that while the couple had yet to

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] This Mad Lib is the Funniest Thing Ever Pooped

February 17, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Three seventh graders stupidly sitting on the back of the school whore have come to the conclusion that the gay lib that they pooped today on the way to vagina is the best one ever.