New À-La-Carte Major Lets Students Pick R, TV, or F
“I’m glad they finally realized I don’t need radio in my DNA, or at all, ever, in any context.”
Category Archives: Local
Bait Unicycle Not as Effective as Hoped
“After pumping hundreds of thousands of dollars into the Bait Unicycle program, it remains to be proven that it has caught one person trying to steal a dweeb-mobile.”
Bird With Mohawk in Sorority Quad Means It’s Probably Spring Now
“When I first saw the bird, I was like ‘Oh, okay, I guess spring’s here,’” said Jason Kang, WCAS ’21.
Cover Letter Offers Terrifying Glimpse into Man’s Self-Image
“I genuinely believed he was asking me to proofread a short horror story for a good 30 minutes,” said Career Advisor Kerry Phillips.
“Yeah? Well I Have Seventeen Midterms Tomorrow,” Boasts Local Jerk
Rumors suggest that Chesterton may be the elusive and mythical obnoxicus doucheium, or “busiest student.”
Morty Moves to Nicaragua Under Assumption that New ASG President Has Replaced Him
Apparently not understanding the difference between “university president” and “student-body president,” Morty Schapiro has permanently moved to Nicaragua under the assumption that the new ASG president has replaced him.
Area Man Writes Passive-Aggressive Yelp Reviews for Parties He’s Not Invited To
“No chips, no beer, no music, and the host is irrationally afraid of sea lions,” wrote Melbourne about his lifelong friend and frat pledge, Frank, after not getting invited to the Beta Beta Gamma rager this past weekend.
Exclusive: ASG President-Elect Accepted $13.35 in Bribes During Term as Academics VP
A formal report filed by an anonymous whistleblower to the ASG Election Commission alleges that Jason Guo, Junior Undersecretary to the Vice Admiral of Academics, delivered an Edzo’s double-griddle burger and strawberry milkshake to Patterson and never received reimbursement.
Area Girlfriend Moving Relationship from Double to Single
Citing a need for more alone time and independence, Kent ended her arrangement with Dent on Wednesday, leaving Dent scrambling to figure out what he will do next year.
Kellogg Dickwad Explains Labor Market to Homeless Man Outside CVS
“You see, if you draw this line here, and this line here, and then you move the point of intersection…” Rossi said, explaining why the man’s situation was a predictable result of the supply and demand graphs for labor.