Sophomore Shotgunning PBR at 8 am Feeling Ambitious Today
He then proceeded to turn on the shower to wash off all the excess beer that had dribbled down his neck and chest.
Category Archives: Articles
NU Announces Transformation of Chicken Shack into Chicken Global Hub
The new Chicken Global Hub is expected to encompass the entirety of the block between Ridge and Garnett, tearing down numerous homes and causing a spike in property values for those remaining, bathed in the delicious scent of fried chicken.
Evanston Residents Plan Their Own Festival by the Rock to Show Us What It’s Like
The first act is scheduled to open at precisely 6:00 am on the Monday of finals week with subsequent acts performing during the Chem 103, Econ 310, and Physics 135 midterms.
Class of 2021 Dance Song to be Penny Whistle Solo from ‘Titanic’
It has also been rumored that the board may be holding auditions for a penny whistle player the lead the army of awkward and purple-clad freshman onto Ryan Field during halftime.
RTVF Senior Stakes Out Panhandling Spot Outside Evanston Library
“It was a difficult spot to snatch,” said Hanley. “A creative writing grad from last year had been hanging out there, but I scared her off with my even bleaker outlook.”
Op-Ed: That’s What They* Said, You Politically Incorrect Cracker
Your mailman Megan deliver you a package from Dick’s? That’s what they said!
“They Must Have Midterms,” Cries Club Leader Alone at Meeting
At 9 p.m. last night, chess club president Jonny Kaplan, MEAS ’18, found the room he’d reserved in Kresge completely empty, burst into tears and cried out “They must have midterms!”
Sexiler Not Having Sex, Just Watching Gossip Girl
“The first time he locked me out and I tried opening the door, he yelled ‘don’t come in!’ with an alarming amount of panic in his voice, so I naturally assumed he was in there with a girl.”
Study: Last Five Minutes of Exam Used Solely for Calculating Highest Possible Grade
“It was hard to tell with those Physics kids, but it all became clear when we entered an English classroom. Those kids wouldn’t go near a number unless it had to do with the grade they think decides their future.”
Area Student Thinks This is Her Only Meltdown of the Day
Wells proceeded to stop in the middle of an extremely crowded Sheridan and begin crying so vehemently, onlookers thought she might have suddenly started a hyena-like street performance.