Northwestern Falls to Bye Week
In a back and forth game that came down to the wire, Northwestern could not overcome the daunting opponent and lost to the bye week.
Category Archives: Articles
Area Pagan Offended By Culturally-Appropriating Halloween Celebration
Local resident Miles Bell, 28, was outraged by the cultural appropriation of paganism that took place his past Halloween.
Big Ten Announces New 8 a.m. Start Times for Northwestern Home Games
The Big Ten announced Monday in a press conference that all Northwestern home football games will now start at 8:00 a.m.
Fat Old Guy to Say Some Words
Sources report that a fat old guy is going to say some words during a speech on November 4th at Northwestern.
BREAKING: North, South Campus Different
“One major basis for our research was the discovery that North Campus residence halls have a much higher percentage of McCormick students than any residence hall south of Foster Street.”
Area Pothead Disappointed to Learn Meaning of “Bowl-Eligible”
Sources confirmed that area pothead Sean Elvin, SESP ’19, was gravely disappointed to learn the real meaning of a “bowl-eligible” football team.
Freshman Saving Free CAPS Sessions for Winter Quarter
Local Freshman Josh Camas, WCAS ’19, has been held up in his room at Willard for the past three weeks.Camas has been going through bouts of anxiety and depression following his start at Northwestern.
Former Premed Claims Distaste for Big Pharma Caused Dropping of Chem 101
“Big Pharma runs everything, man. Those capitalist pigs are ruining the world”, exclaimed Kurt Lopez, WCAS 19’, to his roommate just seconds after dropping chem 101 on Caesar.
Halloween Not Nearly as Scary as Constant Threat of Failure
Halloween, the scariest holiday of the year by a long shot, is widely considered by undergraduate students to be less scary than the constant, looming threat of irreversible failure.
Student Can’t Get Off ISIS Listserv
“They had a cool flag and free candy, you know? I looked at their info and thought helping to establish a caliphate might look good on a resume, so I signed up for their listserv.”