Last Healthy Student on Campus Adopts SARS Mask to Avoid Sickness
“I didn’t think the disease would ever reach this area, but I guess this goes to show that all it takes is one carrier,” bemoaned Kondriak.
Category Archives: Articles
Gallup Poll Shows Vicious Divide on the Definition of ‘Hooking Up’
“I don’t think sex is necessary for a hookup,” argued Gender and Sexuality professor Jezebel Ross. “It’s got to get to third base though.”
Columbus, Ohio changes name to Indigenous People, OH
Inhabitants of the city, now known as Indigenous Persons, are overwhelmingly in favor of the change as well.
ASG President Julia Zorn Plans World Domination
While campaigning for ASG President last year, Zorn listed her political inspirations as Kim-Jong Un, Joseph Kony, and “that evil woman in Ghostbusters.”
Football Team Inspires Spontaneous Wave of Nihilism
“Our team was literally supposed to be amazing now that we beat Wisconsin. I don’t think I can handle all this disappointment.”
Area Man Eating in Front Window of Taco Bell Really Hates Himself
The quesarito is his only source of joy left in the world.
The Five Stages of the Freshman Fifteen
You use defense mechanisms like rationalization and the intellectualization that NU students are famous for to convince yourself that it doesn’t matter.
OPINION: I Could Husk Corn at the Age of 3
When I was three years old, my Pa-Paw handed me a bucket of corn and told me to get to work. I’d never done this before, but three-year-old me picked it right up.
Homecoming Grand Marshal Kathryn Hahn Looks Nothing Like Ana Gasteyer
“Just not looking at their pictures you can’t tell that they aren’t completely different, with almost no recognizable similarities.”
Siege of West Fairchild Enters Second Day
“Communications and International Studies were born to be together. I vow to take charge and create a singular, united Fairchild to rule Northwestern!”