I Have a Bone to Pick With You, Northwestern
Guest contributor John Evans has some choice words for those who’d tarnish his legacy by remembering all those things he did.
Category Archives: Articles
Study Links Decline in Internet Pornography Viewed on NU Campus to Shitty Wi-Fi
After analyzing the data, Chanis was shocked to find the most common response being “the lack of consistent Wi-Fi” (31%), outpacing even the expected “I don’t have the time” response (24%) and the “I’m not a motherf—–g pervert!” retort (22%).
[Tabloid Issue] CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Marching Band Dumps Football Team
“[The Band is] totally turned on by victory,” said Tom, a Medill junior who would not give his last name. “And by big sticks,” he added. The Marching Band is believed to be entering a new relationship with the Women’s Field Hockey Team.
[Tabloid Issue] Rosie O’Donnell Gets into Fight with Freshman at The Deuce
“I just could not comprehend how this idiot couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that there is absolutely no correlation between authoritarian rule and speed of economic development,” O’Donnell later told police.
[Tabloid Issue] RETRACTION: Morty Schapiro Is NOT Bigfoot, But May in Fact Be Jewish
While Schapiro failed the definitive Packard-Woller Extraterrestrial Examination, the Tanzer-Pfaff Jewish Ratio found that the name “Schapiro” has the requisite 5:3 proportion of consonants to vowels, denoting a 78% probability of Jewishness.
[Tabloid Issue] PTI Successfully Discovers Student Affair
Student Affairs has been maintaining surveillance on every married Northwestern student since PTI’s hiring in 2011. This is the first affair uncovered in the history of the division.
[Tabloid Issue] Career Porn: Steve Carrell Gets to Be in Movies
America’s Nice Guy starred in The Forty-Year Old Virgin and not The Forty-Year Old Porn Star, but there’s no denying that Steve Carell is at the top of his career porn game: his rĂ©sumĂ© will leave you sobbing and screaming “sweet Jesus” in the middle of the night.
[Tabloid Issue] Sophomore Awkwardly Looks away while Passing Girl She Asked to Be Her Freshman Roommate
Much to Kelter’s surprise, she and Gaerke did not hang out even once during their freshman year. After a few brief hellos during Wildcat Welcome 2012, they stopped acknowledging one another altogether.
[Tabloid Issue] CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Willie Too Wild, Caught with Catnip
The feline is said to have been in possession of 9 oz. of super high potency catnip, three times the national legal limit and eighty-three times the limit established by Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl.
Hot Tips for Northwestern’s Early Decision Applicants
1. Northwestern University’s undergraduate campus isn’t in Chicago; it’s in Evanston. Mixing this up will send a message that you haven’t done enough research. Stay away from referencing the city of Chicago, and instead reference beloved Evanston institutions like The Keg or Mayor Tisdahl.