Articles | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Articles

This Is the End: But Really, It Isn’t

June 23, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

Seth Rogen’s latest movie, an apocalyptic comedy entitled This Is the End, really isn’t the end of his signature pot-fueled humor. Rogen, along with costars James Franco, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, and Craig Robinson, try to push their interpretation of the rapture as far as it can go before audiences find it too immature or too grotesque. Ironically playing their own depraved selves, the ensemble cast managed to incorporate not only projectile vomit and Michael Cera as a

Top Sororities Fear Proposed Regulations in Cute Guitar-Playing Boy Market

June 22, 2013 Eric Vanchieri Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern’s top-tier sororities have made it clear that they strongly oppose the Panhellenic Association’s proposal for the setting of a price ceiling in the cute guitar-playing boy market. The cute guitar-playing boys, referred to as GPBs, face a huge spike in demand during Big/Little Week, during which sororities anonymously shower their new “Littles” with gifts, food, movie parties, and the chance to be serenaded by a GPB in front of other Littles. Sarah Smith, an Economics major and

Derrick Rose Announces Retirement, Will Join Giordano’s Marketing Team as Pizza Model

June 12, 2013 Janesh Rahlan Leave a comment

CHICAGO — Thousands of Chicago Bulls fans rushed to the United Center today to hear Derrick Rose’s press conference, at which Rose stunned fans when he proclaimed, “I’m taking my talents to Giordano’s.” Rose declared that he would not be participate in the 2013-2014 NBA season. Instead, he will devote his time to pizza modeling. Rose is famous for his Giordano’s marketing campaign, a product that has been largely responsible for Chicago’s rampant obesity problem. “I love playing basketball, and

Students Graffiti Arch, Propose New “Paint the Arch” Tradition

June 11, 2013 Min Lee One comment

EVANSTON — Earlier this week, students discovered graffiti on the sides of Northwestern’s iconic Arch. The graffiti was written in Chinese, reading “I’m only here since I didn’t get accepted into an Ivy school.” Michael Li, one of the students who saw the message, said, “It was easy to miss since everybody is either texting or pretending to read the flyers on the sidewalk to avoid making eye-contact with anyone, but I looked up at just the right moment and

People’s Gathering Lacks People

June 10, 2013 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — A gathering last Tuesday invited students to congregate in a free-form but intentionally vague way on the lawn that is somewhere kind of near the rock. This event encouraged students to do whatever they felt like doing during this ambiguous gathering of specifically organized use of public space. Hosts felt it was important to send a message to university administrators that our public spaces should be more freely accessible to students by angrily yelling grievances and reading poetry.

On-Campus Diversity Discussion Effectively Ends Racism

June 9, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Student groups including ASG, Alianza, and the Diversity Club held an open forum on the topic of diversity last week that has successfully ended any acts or thoughts of racism on the Northwestern campus. “This is just a massive relief for everyone on campus. Racism and ignorance have been such divisive issues here, and I’m glad that because we talked about it, we don’t have to worry about it anymore,” said ASG President Ani Ajith. Students all around

PSA: Animals More Savage Than Annoying Drunk People

June 8, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

As a reminder that there are indeed a few creatures more primal than a Tappa Tappa Keg brother 15 shots deep into his senior year Dillo Day, The Flipside‘s investigative team has compiled reports of animals from around the world too savage for even the mud-soaked mosh pit during Wiz Khalifa’s set. The Belarusian Beaver If you think you were ravaged by the 10/200 you received on your last Orgo midterm, think again. On Wednesday, May 29th, 2013, a fisherman

National Spelling Bee Winner Celebrates by Eating Knaidlach

June 7, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

BAYSIDE HILLS, NY — The 13-year-old winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, Arvind Mahankali, celebrated his victory by eating a bowl brimming with knaidlach, a type of dumpling eaten mainly during Passover, and the plural version of the Bee’s winning word. “I was so happy when I won,” said Mahankali, a cymotrichous1 boy whose wavy hair has captured the hearts of would-be spellers across the nation. “Knaidel isn’t even that hard a word. Did you know that last year’s

[Roaring ’20s Issue] Kresge Hall Unveiled, Hailed as Architectural Marvel

June 6, 2013 Dan Weinberg Leave a comment

EVANSTON — No, that new monstrosity next to University Hall isn’t a tenement! It’s just Northwestern’s newest building: Kresge Hall. The magnificent structure opened its doors just yesterday, and boy is it a sight to see! Kresge Hall can seat a staggering 1300 students in more than 30 classrooms, but the crowning jewel of this freshly minted structural feat is the architecture. The decision to house the classics department there is manifested in the clear Greco-Roman influence in the building’s

[Roaring ’20s Issue] Gary Saul Morson to Join USSR Studies Department

June 5, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern University announced yesterday the hiring of a new USSR Studies professor, Gary Saul Morson. “We are pleased to be adding this brilliant, up-and-coming scholar to our faculty team,” said President Walter Dill Scott. Morson, who was born in 1895, received his Ph.D. from Yale last year before, purportedly, teaching in Pennsylvania. Safely within Cook County lines, Morson confessed to The Flipside that his job there was only a cover for his true mission: finding communist spies. “It’s