Category Archives: Articles

Back agin bitjes, DILLOOO

Editor’s note: This article was written by an actual drunk student, and, as such, has been left completely unedited. itss been too long since we’ve published a drink article, (auto-correct) dillo day for reals, typing on my phone. More later. Aaaand some chick is throwing up in the byshes pre 11am. Classsss. Some lady just asked me of I could see her flask. I couldn’t. We’re friends now. I forgot to tell you Chet haze grabbed my friends butt true story bro. Gah

Theater Major on Benghazi: “Totally as Bad as When Norbucks Put the Wrong Milk in My Latté”

EVANSTON — In our never-ending quest to promote justice through government transparency, The Flipside launched a special campaign this week to find out what Northwestern students thought were the biggest issues the global community faces today. While a stairway poop incident in the Bobb-McCullough dormitory was the overwhelming front-runner, fifteen of the five hundred students interviewed by The Flipside were familiar with the term “Benghazi.” At least four said they’d obtained information on the attack from sources other than Twitter.

Letter to the Editor: For Social Justice Week, Consider Inviting Awkward Kids to Parties

By Foley Hartmann When I heard about Social Justice Week, I knew I had to make a difference! There is so much social injustice happening on campus: I see awkward, sad kids without friends all the time. So, first thing, I scooted over to Tech and invited all the computer science majors to an off-campus party. It’s time they got some equality in the social scene on this fine campus. But I only invited the McCormick comp-sci majors. I’m almost

Iowa Infects Minnesota with Gay Marriage

ST. PAUL, MN — Fulfilling the prophecies of evangelical Christians nation-wide, the state of Minnesota has come down with a case of same-sex marriage after failing to keep its distance from infected state Iowa. The contagious legislation was signed into law Monday and the hellfire-summoning nuptials will begin in August. State Representative Chip Cravaack says he “totally called” the transformation of the state’s legislative orientation: “I knew when Minnesota started hanging out with the abnormal, deviant states, it would catch

What? I Thought Those Were Drone Strike Memos!

By Eric Holder Wait, what did I do? You mean I signed off on subpoenas for the phone records of the Associated Press, the most important news agency in the English speaking world? No way. Really? I don’t believe it. You mean I totally approved an inappropriate violation of journalistic integrity? Why would I do such an unspeakable thing? You’re seriously telling me that I just ordered the government to go out there and uncover protected sources? That’s just wrong.

Univision Presents: Gobierno Estudiantil Asociado

SALA DEL NOROESTE, EVANSTASIONE — All was set to go as planned in the ASG Senate meeting this past week. All the officer vacancies for next quarter were filled except for three, and candidates had all been nominated. But then, tragedy struck. Just as MartĂ­n Lobos, nominee for Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion, was about to be confirmed, Natalie Suarez burst into the senate meeting, her flowing red ball gown swirling in the Santa Ana winds from the nearby

If We Can’t Perform the Music of Racists, Shit-Heads, and Degenerates, What’s Left to Perform?

By Professor Donald Nally, Northwestern Conducting and Ensembles As some of you may know, a minor fracas occurred last week in one of my ensembles when a Masters student refused to sing an arrangement of a Walt Whitman poem, as his “independent research” had uncovered evidence that Walt Whitman was supposedly racist. This student even went so far as to file a complaint with the NAACP when I refused to let him cherry-pick the repertoire pieces he wanted to sing

Does No One Bloody Care That Sir Alex Resigned?!

By Alexander Timothy Rawlings III, the British exchange student living on the seventh floor of Plex I can’t believe this. I bloody can’t. A bloke who’s been the head coach of one of the most famous football (yes, real football, not that sodding joke of a sport that’s ripping off rugby) clubs in the world for TWENTY-SIX YEARS resigns and NOBODY in this country bloody notices? I mean, I’m pretty tolerant, so I understand that you yanks pay more attention

Jurassic Park 4 Delayed Due to Cloning Technology Mishaps, Dinosaur Rampage

HOLLYWOOD, CA — The producers of Jurassic Park 4 announced last week that the upcoming film is being indefinitely delayed until cloning technology makes “several large breakthroughs.” Patrick Crowley, one of the two producers, said, “This film is going to be groundbreaking. We’re going to use real dinosaurs, no more of that crummy CG-stuff audiences can so easily tell is fake. After only measurable success with the first films in the franchise, we knew we wanted to take 4 to

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