Summer Expectations vs. Reality: A Semi-Autobiographical List
I planned to read at least 5 books on the Modern Library Top 100 List, but I actually only read a Seventeen Magazine from October 2009.
Category Archives: Articles
BREAKING: Carlos Danger Changes Name to Carlos Fucking Danger
NEW YORK, NY — Carlos Danger, the greatest Internet celebrity since hall-of-fame class act Amanda Bynes, has changed his name in response to the confused and critical responses he received on social media today. The Mexican vigilante and dick-pic-taker extraordinaire felt his identity was severely compromised and degraded when throngs of social media aficionados and standup wannabes criticized his vaguely racially-offensive pseudonym in somewhat more racially-offensive one-liners. “The idea to use my name as the label for the Republican immigration
British Tour de France Winner Really Excited About Royal Baby
PARIS, FRANCE — Chris Froome, the recent champion of the 100th Tour de France, was reportedly ecstatic to receive news of the birth of His Highness the Prince of Cambridge on Monday. Froome, who won the month-long, 2,100 mile bike race by the largest margin since 2005, hurriedly raced to the finish line in the last stage to see if Kate had delivered the baby yet. “I can’t believe the royal baby has arrived! What did it weigh, half a stone? Wow.
Soon-To-Be Roommates Already Confident That They Will Be Best Friends
THE INTERNET — Incoming freshmen Kerry Stahlin and Nicole Silva officially became roommates yesterday. Silva quickly accepted Stahlin’s offer to room together, a product of months of Facebook inbox flirtation. “Kerry is just so me. I feel like I’ve known the girl my entire life,” Silva explained. Although Stahlin and Silva have never met, their online communication clearly conveys that they are an undeniably perfect pair. The relationship began shortly after early decision letters were released. Silva messaged Stahlin in
ASG Thrilled that #ASG is Finally Trending on Twitter
EVANSTON — Due to Tuesday’s MLB All-Star Game, #ASG was a trending tag on Twitter. The Northwestern Associated Student Government said it was the greatest moment – literally the greatest moment, free of any controversy or procedural bickering – in the history of the organization. “We were ecstatic,” said Matthew Silver, ASG’s Vice President of Coincidental Social Media Publicity. “This is the kind of moment that my office, and all of Northwestern, has been waiting for.” The fact that the
PRESS RELEASE: What Is a Gardetto, Anyways?
“Pass the Gardettos,” you say? Is that what you want? Tell me, what IS a Gardetto? Is it the rye chips? Is it the teeny tiny crunchy bread sticks? Is it the unsalted yet delicious pretzels? No! A Gardetto is not any of those things! I have some news for you, bub! A Gardetto is not a food. It is not a snack. It is not a plural noun. It is a name. Do not tell me to pass you
Study Abroad Student Nearly Caught Up on Breaking Bad
PARIS — Three weeks into his two-month Study Abroad program, rising senior Jimmy Bullock confirmed today that he has successfully completed Season 4 of critically-acclaimed drama Breaking Bad. The AMC program, which begins its 6th and final season this August, was reportedly savored by Bullock in binge-watching marathons during free evenings and weekends while other students in the program were taking advantage of their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to explore Europe. “This program is fantastic!” Bullock gushed in a recent blog post,
Snowden Cleverly Disguises Self as Terrified, Disheveled Fugitive
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Former NSA analyst Edward Snowden has evaded the clutches of his pursuers once again by cleverly adopting the disguise of a terrified, disheveled 60-year-old. Snowden’s continued freedom is believed to hinge on his new appearance being a sharp departure from the now-familiar photo of a fresh-faced 29-year-old idealist interviewed in a Hong Kong hotel room just two weeks ago by The Guardian. Multiple sources report that Snowden first adopted his new disguise while trapped in a Moscow
This Is the End: But Really, It Isn’t
Seth Rogen’s latest movie, an apocalyptic comedy entitled This Is the End, really isn’t the end of his signature pot-fueled humor. Rogen, along with costars James Franco, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, and Craig Robinson, try to push their interpretation of the rapture as far as it can go before audiences find it too immature or too grotesque. Ironically playing their own depraved selves, the ensemble cast managed to incorporate not only projectile vomit and Michael Cera as a
Top Sororities Fear Proposed Regulations in Cute Guitar-Playing Boy Market
EVANSTON — Northwestern’s top-tier sororities have made it clear that they strongly oppose the Panhellenic Association’s proposal for the setting of a price ceiling in the cute guitar-playing boy market. The cute guitar-playing boys, referred to as GPBs, face a huge spike in demand during Big/Little Week, during which sororities anonymously shower their new “Littles” with gifts, food, movie parties, and the chance to be serenaded by a GPB in front of other Littles. Sarah Smith, an Economics major and