Articles | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Articles

Iowa Infects Minnesota with Gay Marriage

May 23, 2013 Clare Roth Leave a comment

ST. PAUL, MN — Fulfilling the prophecies of evangelical Christians nation-wide, the state of Minnesota has come down with a case of same-sex marriage after failing to keep its distance from infected state Iowa. The contagious legislation was signed into law Monday and the hellfire-summoning nuptials will begin in August. State Representative Chip Cravaack says he “totally called” the transformation of the state’s legislative orientation: “I knew when Minnesota started hanging out with the abnormal, deviant states, it would catch

Antony Orates in Defense of CAESAR

May 22, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Friends, Wildcats, Countrymen, lend me your beers;
You came to register on CAESAR, not to praise it.
With evils that men program into it,
The good is oft interred with their codes;
So let it be with CAESAR.

What? I Thought Those Were Drone Strike Memos!

May 21, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

By Eric Holder Wait, what did I do? You mean I signed off on subpoenas for the phone records of the Associated Press, the most important news agency in the English speaking world? No way. Really? I don’t believe it. You mean I totally approved an inappropriate violation of journalistic integrity? Why would I do such an unspeakable thing? You’re seriously telling me that I just ordered the government to go out there and uncover protected sources? That’s just wrong.

Univision Presents: Gobierno Estudiantil Asociado

May 20, 2013 Dan Weinberg Leave a comment

SALA DEL NOROESTE, EVANSTASIONE — All was set to go as planned in the ASG Senate meeting this past week. All the officer vacancies for next quarter were filled except for three, and candidates had all been nominated. But then, tragedy struck. Just as Martín Lobos, nominee for Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion, was about to be confirmed, Natalie Suarez burst into the senate meeting, her flowing red ball gown swirling in the Santa Ana winds from the nearby

If We Can’t Perform the Music of Racists, Shit-Heads, and Degenerates, What’s Left to Perform?

May 19, 2013 Flippy One comment

By Professor Donald Nally, Northwestern Conducting and Ensembles As some of you may know, a minor fracas occurred last week in one of my ensembles when a Masters student refused to sing an arrangement of a Walt Whitman poem, as his “independent research” had uncovered evidence that Walt Whitman was supposedly racist. This student even went so far as to file a complaint with the NAACP when I refused to let him cherry-pick the repertoire pieces he wanted to sing

Does No One Bloody Care That Sir Alex Resigned?!

May 18, 2013 Adam Pecena One comment

By Alexander Timothy Rawlings III, the British exchange student living on the seventh floor of Plex I can’t believe this. I bloody can’t. A bloke who’s been the head coach of one of the most famous football (yes, real football, not that sodding joke of a sport that’s ripping off rugby) clubs in the world for TWENTY-SIX YEARS resigns and NOBODY in this country bloody notices? I mean, I’m pretty tolerant, so I understand that you yanks pay more attention

Jurassic Park 4 Delayed Due to Cloning Technology Mishaps, Dinosaur Rampage

May 17, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD, CA — The producers of Jurassic Park 4 announced last week that the upcoming film is being indefinitely delayed until cloning technology makes “several large breakthroughs.” Patrick Crowley, one of the two producers, said, “This film is going to be groundbreaking. We’re going to use real dinosaurs, no more of that crummy CG-stuff audiences can so easily tell is fake. After only measurable success with the first films in the franchise, we knew we wanted to take 4 to

A Message from the Anglo-Saxon Student Alliance: Please Celebrate Memorial Day Respectfully

May 16, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

Dear fellow Northwestern students, As Memorial Day rapidly approaches, the members of the Anglo-Saxon Student Alliance would like to take a moment remind all members of the Wildcat community to please celebrate this time-honored and all-American holiday respectfully. Please remember that eating hot-dogs, hamburgers, and inordinate amounts of pie is not representative of American culture. In fact it marginalizes and offends entire sectors of our community who would prefer cheeseburgers and hot-fudge sundaes. Spending time sun-bathing, swimming and playing backyard

NRA Denounces 3D-Printed Guns as Deadly, Free

May 15, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

NASHVILLE, TN — NRA Executive Vice President/Walking Effigy Wayne LaPierre took to the stage today to thoroughly denounce the recent spate of “3D-printed” guns as irresponsible, deadly, and a major unchecked threat to the security of his end of year bonus. Speaking to a rapt, ravenous audience of gun owners who seemingly didn’t have anywhere else to be on a Monday afternoon, LaPierre framed the plastic, largely-untraceable devices (which could become increasingly problematic as the price of 3D printers drop)

Northwestern’s Own Costume Gala: Things for Spring

May 14, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Following the Met’s annual Costume Institute Gala on May 6th, Northwestern students have been experimenting with some trends of their own. While most Wildcats may not be wild enough to try out Kim’s Mrs. Doubtfire look, here are the Flipside Fashion Department’s favorite on-trend things for spring: Spirit Jerseys Do you like to wear over-sized clothing so no one actually knows what your size or general body type is? Are you ever tempted to throw what