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New Sorority Pledge in Love With Her Sisters, Unsure of All Their Names

January 17, 2013 Eric Vanchieri Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Lambda Omicron Lambda’s newest sister Maggie Kelter announced Thursday that she is “like totally in love with her new sisters.” After receiving her bid Tuesday night, Maggie fell into a state of hysterical joy and, along with a throng of strangers whose names she would pretend to know, began shrieking over the fact that she was now a sister of LOL. Accompanied by the rest of her new LOL sisters, Maggie marched to LOL’s chapter house to celebrate.

Piers Morgan Interviews CBS This Morning Hosts about Interview with Oprah after Her Interview with Lance Armstrong

January 16, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

NEW YORK — Continuing the media frenzy over Lance Armstrong’s admission of doping, Piers Morgan invited the hosts of CBS This Morning to talk about their latest interview with Oprah Winfrey, whose recent interview of Lance Armstrong is set to air in a few days. “We were pretty well prepared going into the interview,” said Charlie Rose, one of the co-hosts of the morning news program, to Morgan. “We’ve read all the information out there available about the interview she’s

Professor Segues To Segue

January 16, 2013 Jacob Clinton Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern Media Studies professor Miles Head entered into a ten-minute-long series of conceptual segues last Tuesday while attempting to explain the syllabus to his “History of the Hyperlink” class. The first segue occurred as Professor Head wrapped up his discussion of the syllabus’s “Academic Honesty” section, referring to a “network of scholarly communication.” He then told the class, “and speaking of networks, boy, do I have quite the in-class technology policy.” Students reported that at this moment the

Performance Enhancing Drugs Sole Inductee to Baseball Hall of Fame

January 15, 2013 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

COOPERSTOWN, NY — Last Wednesday, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America made history by voting in the first non-human inductee to the Hall of Fame. “Performance Enhancing Drugs” (PED) was the only candidate to receive the needed 75% of the vote, ushering it into baseball’s most hallowed ground. PED built an impressive resume in its decades-long stint in the MLB, accounting for over 90,000 home runs, 325,000 RBI’s, 800 ‘roid rage tantrums, and 500 shrunken testicles before being forced into

Freshman Girl Just Wants to be in a Sorority Already

January 14, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

LIKE, EVANSTON — Freshman Jackie Parker like, really felt a connection with Lambda Lambda Lambda today. She doesn’t know, like, call her crazy, but she could totally see herself being a Tri-Lamb. Don’t get her wrong, like, she loved a few of the others, but she just felt an immediate bond with the girls there. And plus they’re, like, super pretty. But please don’t ask her about recruitment cause it’s sooo annoying and stressful and she just wants to talk

Social Media Savvy Students Look for Job Availabilities

January 9, 2013 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

EVANSTON — With annual winter job and internship fairs approaching, many Northwestern students are crossing their fingers in hopes that their “social media skills” will be as highly sought-after as that one article they read on Forbes a month ago reported was a possibility. “I’m a social media expert,” said Weinberg junior Justin Thomas. “I am proficient in Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, and now SnapChat.” According to a recent career services survey, over the past year many formerly undecided undergrads

Michigan Passes Right to Twerk Bill

January 8, 2013 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

LANSING, MI — Michigan recently passed controversial changes to the state’s Twerker’s Rights Laws and has the rap video ho community up in arms. Right to Twerk is an initiative that allows rap video hos to be selected off the street without having to pass through a standard audition process. According to rap video ho extraordinaire Ivana Humpalot, famous for having the credit card swiped through her ass in Nelly’s “Tip Drill” video, “Auditions involve sleeping with a member of

Read more Entertainment, No. 96, Politics

Top 10 Rejected Handles for the Pope’s Twitter Account

January 7, 2013 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

VATICAN CITY — Pope Benedict XVI recently entered the Twitterverse with the twitter name @pontifex. The question remains: how did he choose this handle? The Flipside has received, from an anonymous papal butler, an exclusive list of the final candidates that didn’t quite make the cut. Here are 10 handles that the Pope unfortunately didn’t pick. Maybe they were already taken – the list did not specify, and we were too lazy to look it up ourselves. 1. @infallableoopsimeantinfallible 2.

Wile E. Coyote’s Guide to Navigating Cliffs

January 2, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

By Wile E. Coyote As the premiere expert on falling off cliffs, I’d like to offer Americans some advice in these confusing times. I speak from the countless times I’ve fallen off a cliff in pursuit of happiness, which to me comes in the form of a tough game bird that would run around even when it is perfectly capable of flight. If your idea of happiness involves a balanced budget that reduces government deficit, written by congressmen who say

Area Jews Celebrating Christmas Shocked Holiday is about Jesus

December 21, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

Many Jews are utterly confused on how to celebrate the holiday. Instead of the traditional honey-glazed ham dinner and nice family time around a warm fire, Jewish families have been sighted going out for Chinese food and airing their grievances.