Category Archives: Articles

Banner New Class of 2016 to Promote Academic Biodiversity

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EVANSTON, IL – The Office of Undergraduate Admissions was excited to report Tuesday that the Class of 2016, whose newest members were notified of their admission the preceding weekend, will be the university’s most diverse in over 25 years. When asked to elaborate on the precise nature of this notably vague “diversity” which characterizes the incoming freshmen, Vice-President of University Relations Alan K. Cubbage explained that this year the Admissions Committee opted for a new approach in the application evaluation process

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Area Man “So Turned On” by Fantasy Baseball Team

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INTERNET – Area man, Billy Smith, has the best fantasy baseball team, EVER. In fact, it is so great, that Smith reported getting an erection when the league draft ended. “My team is so awesome that I’ll be able to fantasize about it for years to come,” Smith told his girlfriend, Cynthia Walder, on Friday. The couple was enjoying March Madness, when it became clear that Smith was unable to concentrate. He kept going into his room during crucial moments

Read more No. 78, Sports

Saints Linebacker Boba Fett Suspended for Involvement in Bounty System

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NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ bounty system has resulted in several suspensions, and today another casualty was added to the tally as linebacker Boba Fett was banned indefinitely for his supposed involvement. Fett, a fourth year player from Tatooine Tech, allegedly delivered vicious hits in exchange for a monetary reward. “I trust that Boba Fett will not make such a mistake again,” warned NFL commissioner Darth Goodell. Goodell explained that the NFL reviewed game footage and found several

Read more No. 78, Sports

Supreme Court Ruling Allows Americans to Choose Between Free Healthcare and Free Cheeseburger

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WASHINGTON – A landmark ruling on the legality of “Obamacare” has ended in unexpected compromise. Liberal and conservative factions of the Supreme Court have agreed to allow Americans to choose for themselves between extensive affordable healthcare coverage or a succulent medium-rare quarter-pound cheeseburger. According to Gallup polls, voters are unsure of whether to claim their burger now or wait for secondary rulings on French fry and soft-drink inclusion. Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has already seized the ruling as campaign material.

Read more No. 78, Politics

Obama Mic’d Up

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WASHINGTON – President Obama inadvertently left his microphone turned on last Thursday, bluntly revealing to the country what it means to be leader of the free world: [10:02 a.m.] Glad this mic is turned off. [10:05 a.m.] Yo Joe, if I had a son, I hope he wouldn’t look like Mitch McConnell. At least he’d be an American citizen, though. I’m glad we raised taxes so we could spend all that extra money of the birth certificate forging department. [10:08

Read more No. 78, Politics

Alabama Man Didn’t Realize Trayvon Martin was Black

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BUMFART, AL – Bill Smith had to double-take when he heard that Trayvon Martin was an African American. “I didn’t know he was black!” said the shocked Smith. “This completely blew me away,” he added. “Whenever the media reports a child’s murder, that child is always white. I did see that the black community was clamoring for justice, but I just thought they were especially touched by this white child’s agony.” The stunning revelation brought with it a whole new

Read more Nation, No. 78

Northwestern Finally Breaks Top 10 in Sporcle College Rankings

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EVANSTON – The online quiz site Sporcle.com released its weekly college rankings Monday, and Northwestern University was for the first time in the Top 10. “While the number 10 is really not much different than, say, 12 or 13,” explained Northwestern President Morty Schapiro in an email to students sent at 2:00 AM, “it represents a symbolic victory in our decimal-based society. Let us celebrate our recognition as a top-tier school, where our students are able to name the US

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Jesus’ Face on Toast Turns Out to be Flesh-Eating Fungus

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FRANKFORT, KY – Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The “burn-marks,” however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus. “I was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,” said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death.

Read more Nation, No. 78, Sci/Tech

Limbaugh Regrets ‘Slut’ Insult, Really Meant To Say ‘Whore’

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NEW YORK – Rush Limbaugh has been attacked from all sides for his reaction to Georgetown student Sandra Fluke testifying in front of Congress in favor of women’s rights, in which he called Fluke a ‘slut’. In a brilliant PR move, Limbaugh retracted his earlier statement, saying, “I was wrong to say what I did. She isn’t a slut for trying to advance her beliefs through peaceful means, which was well within her natural rights; she’s more like a whore.”

Read more No. 77, Politics

Iran Wins Best Foreign Film, Abandons Nuclear Program

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TEHRAN – Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the city’s famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette. “This is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious

Read more Entertainment, No. 77, Politics, World
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