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Local Middle School Holds “Stand Awkwardly in the Corner” Marathon

February 22, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation. This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the

New CTEC Categories to Include Quality of Rec Letters, BS Tolerance

February 22, 2012 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Recent aesthetic changes to the Course and Teacher Evaluation Council (CTEC) will be followed up with entirely new categories at the end of Winter quarter, according to one Registrar administrator. “We were getting complaints from the students that teachers and classes weren’t accurately reflected by prior CTEC scores,” Alice Andrews told Flipside reporters. “We submitted a survey to a good portion of the student body and will soon add new categories that better reflect what NU students look

ESPN Adds Department Devoted Exclusively to Morally Questionable Commentary

February 22, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

BRISTOL, CT – ESPN, cornerstone of respectable sports media that it is, has succeeded in maintaining a level of support for recent phenom Jeremy Lin that accurately represents Americans’ appetite for poorly disguised stereotyping. This success can be attributed to ESPN’s recent decision to take on analysts specializing in commentary that has just the right amount of political correctness. Said one of the new ESPN employees, “Lin was a perfect candidate because, well, let’s face it, he’s really only slightly

Obama’s Plan to Grow Handlebar Mustache Meets Quick GOP Backlash

February 22, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, “Today, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all

Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

February 22, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean,

Where Are They Now: Northwestern Freshmen on Monday Night

February 22, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

The library Dave and Busters Wash. U. Founding a pessimism club Swimming in the ice rink Lodge Crepe Bistro happy hour

Lodge Alumni to Seek Somalian Asylum

February 14, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Reportedly, the refugees have so far been welcomed with open arms in Mogadishu, where many former brothers have already begun accepting bids from a litany of factions.

Frat Kicked off Campus for Forcing Pledges to Go to Class

February 8, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Three years ago, Northwestern fraternity Epsilon Delta Upsilon was put on probation for what the University described as “academic harassment”. Apparently, the warning wasn’t enough, as the fraternity has been disbanded for unspecified transgressions as of earlier this afternoon. This marks the third time in ten years that a fraternity has been kicked off campus for incidences of hazing. Although hazing rituals are all but a universally accepted truth in fraternity life, faculty and students alike are shocked

Ahmad Bradshaw Reluctantly Scores Super-Bowl-Winning Touchdown

February 8, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Bradshaw’s troubles continued at the post-Super-Bowl party, where he accidentally scored with a cheerleader.

SHAPE Brings Crabs to Northwestern Campus

February 8, 2012 Sam Jacobs Leave a comment

SEARLE- In preparation for Northwestern Dance Marathon, scheduled to take place the weekend of March 9th, Sexual Health and Peer Educators (SHAPE) is putting together a campus wide crabwalk race to raise money for this year’s beneficiary, B+. “The race will start at Tech and all the crabs will scurry toward Searle Health Services,” President of SHAPE, Eliza Crochitch said. “We are really excited and we are hoping every pair participating in DM will send at least one crab to