Evanston City Officials Hold 2,000 Northwestern Students Hostage
“If I knew I had to deal with this much bullshit,” wrote Weinberg senior Jon Blinderman on a bloody Bob Marley shirt, “I would have gone Greek.”
Category Archives: Articles
New Cognitive Disease Causes Millions To Use Hashtags, Annoys Billions Of Others
EVANSTON – An infectious disease causing millions of people to insert pound signs followed by senseless clichĂ©s at the end of all their typed sentences is quickly becoming a global pandemic. First affecting only attention-seeking Twitter addicts, the virus has now spread to Facebook users, Google Plus members, and countless others, essentially annoying the living fuck out of anyone on Earth who has yet to catch the sickness. “Facebook is bad enough as it is. Whiny status updates about how
Girl Who Said She “Would Die Without Her Phone” Apparently Not Kidding Around
EDISON, NJ – Fifteen year old Sarah Murphy was found dead last night in front of her New Jersey home. After an autopsy was conducted and medical records were reviewed, doctors concluded the cause of death was Sarah’s rare, fatal form of object-oriented separation anxiety which caused her to collapse after the discovery that her phone was not in her Vera Bradley tote bag. Detectives have taken the prime phone theft suspect, 16-year-old self-proclaimed hipster Penelope Fox, into custody. No
Dillo day BOB with some BYOB you know what it is
This article was written by an actual drunk man and left unedited for effect. There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us.  There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun  Guess which one dillo day is?  Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit.  So today is chill and all with all the bands.  The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed.  I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography)
Freshman Too Drunk to Find Dillo Day
SKOKIE – One Northwestern freshman spent the most anticipated day of the year aimlessly wandering through the scenic village of Skokie. The hours of a.m. drinking forced David Eager to head West on Dillo Day, instead of East toward the lakefill. “There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music
Local Student’s Dillo Day Lineup Includes Kids from High School He Didn’t Want to See
Dillo Day. It’s that time of year in late May when it may or may not be snowing. The free pizza tastes great, but so does all the other shit you may or may not have eaten. One thing is so certain that even Heisenberg wouldn’t question you: if you are from around here, you’ll see all those people from high school you thought you’d never see again. You know, the kids who don’t know who Heisenberg is. They’ll act
Dillo Day Canceled After B.o.B Unexpectedly Raptured
Students reacted to the news with varied degrees of disappointment and downright agony, their heathen souls already plagued by the forces of Satan prior to their destruction and eternal damnation.
Girl In 6 Courses Dreads CAESAR Above All Else
EVANSTON – With only several weeks before Spring quarter finals, some students are beginning to feel the pressure to perform well on final exams before the summer begins. However, this is not the case for Cynthia Tan, who will be finishing her second year in electrical engineering and is currently part of the BS/MS program. Though her two weeks in June are packed with exams and papers for the six courses she has been juggling throughout the quarter, Tan anticipates
Girl Mistakenly Thinks Everyone Cares Where She Is
EVANSTON – In one of the most severe cases of what doctors are now calling “Look-At-Me Syndrome,” or LAMS, Weinberg sophomore Catey Jepson has developed an extreme compulsion to let as many people as possible know where she is at all times. In some instances, Jepson also lets on how she feels about where she is. “At any given time of the day, I’m certain nearly everyone is wondering where I am,” Jepson said. “I’ve made it my mission to
New Meal Plan Aims to Increase Seething Hatred towards Meal Plan
By Capt. David F. Xavier Rubino, M.D., Esq. EVANSTON – Northwestern students will have a whole slew of new meal plans to choose from when they return in the fall. After nearly a decade, researchers seeking the least optimal plans for the student body have finally reached a consensus. “It all started when students began voicing their complaints”, former ASG Student Life VP Matt Belassai told The Flipside. “They would fill out surveys denoting how dissatisfied they were with the