Articles | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Articles

Yankees Pull Total Dick Move on Red Sox

October 10, 2011 Steven Goldstein Leave a comment

BOSTON – Major League Baseball’s investigation of the New York Yankees has finally concluded, with the official report ruling that the Bronx Bombers are still total douchebags. This examination came at the request of the Red Sox, who would not stop bitching about their historic September collapse. Believing that the Yanks fixed their regular-season finale against the Tampa Bay Rays, team representatives sent a formal request to commissioner Bud Selig, who was pleasantly surprised to learn that the playoffs had

Authorities Fail to Confine Santorum

October 10, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“Today, America’s parents can finally begin to sleep soundly, knowing that I, Rick Santorum, am watching the asses of America’s youth.”

EU Votes Against Bailing Greece Out of Jail

October 10, 2011 Flippy One comment

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – The International Criminal Court today announced that it would continue holding Greece in prison indefinitely as it was unable to find a country willing to pay the $532 billion necessary to make bond. Greece, awaiting trial for numerous crimes including kidnapping and false imprisonment of a Lacoste mannequin, assault and battery of an Albanian Gypsy, and grand larceny of a dozen Nair products from an Athens CVS, refused to comment through its lawyer. “It is tragic

Anthro Major Studies Northwestern Students Studying

October 9, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Weinberg senior Allison Dinker has discovered that Northwestern students are a “disgusting and lazy breed of humans.” The anthropology major is currently writing her dissertation on a culture never before studied academically, NU students. She is conducting her research at the Northwestern University Library. Dinker began her research last Spring, when she was studying for finals at the library. “I noticed that someone had etched some strange glyphs that spelled ‘ORGO SUX DIX’ into the desk in Study

Qaddafi Escapes Discovery by Wearing Normal Clothing

October 5, 2011 Chandler Dutton One comment

TRIPOLI – In a bold choice of evasive strategy, former Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi has opted to dress in normal attire in order to hide from Libyan rebels. Typically known for his bold, outlandish outfits, Qaddafi has come to the real viagra generic ization that one possible way to avoid recognition is to remove all searingly bright, leopard-print and fur-trimmed outfits from his choice of attire. In an official statement released from the Qaddafi camp, the fleeing dictator asserted, “I’ve

Freshmen Freeze En Route to Off-Campus Frat Houses

October 5, 2011 Vicky Szuflita

EVANSTON – Northwestern emergency response personnel were on heightened alert this past week after an abnormally high number of freshman were found frozen along Sherman Avenue. NU faculty wonders why these freshmen would subject themselves to such a high-risk journey; many, however, believe that they were given no choice. Fraternity brother Sam Coppermen spoke to the Flipside yesterday morning about the recent tragedy. “There is a serious ethical dilemma here. Freshmen need to flee to off-campus refuges to escape tyrannical

Attention-Deprived White Sox Fan Upset He Doesn’t Get Documentary

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

CHICAGO – A local fan is upset after learning no one cares that he cost the White Sox their final game of the year. When Bart Stevens, 28, snatched an easily catchable foul ball from directly above the mitt of outfielder Juan Pierre, he expected boos, thrown beer bottles, and crazed fans attempting to hurt him. “I was waiting to get hit over the back of the head with something or to get punched by a rabid Sox supporter,” Stevens

Rifle Sales Erupt as Girls Hunt for Authentic Feather Hair Extensions

October 5, 2011 Kaitlin Hansen Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Rifle sales across the country have risen as the trend of adorning one’s head with feathers has soared to new heights of popularity. Even though most girls sport only what grows from their scalp, being unique is no longer as easy as buying a fake feather from hairfeathers.com. In fact, many girls are now putting real feathers in their hair. To be viewed as true trendsetters, girls are setting down their purses, picking up their rifles, and heading

Typo Mislabels Seth Meyers “Grand Dragon” of NU Homecoming

October 5, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — The Daily Northwestern stirred up controversy recently when a gaffe by one of their reporters, who mistakenly named Seth Meyers to lead the parade as “Grand Dragon,” slipped by the publication’s copy editors. Meyers will be serving as the parade’s Grand Marshal, but many have jumped to conclusions upon seeing Meyers’ name associated with a title normally bestowed upon high-ranking members of the Ku Klux Klan. Upon reading the article, Grand Cyclops Darrol Freedman Jr. of the Evanston

Groupon Sets October Ferris Bueller Screening at Wrigley for Next 100 Years

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years. “It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.” The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household