Category Archives: Articles

Marathon Junkie ODs On “Runner’s High”

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CHICAGO—Celebrations at Sunday’s Bank of America Chicago Marathon came to a crashing halt when one of the participants suffered from a runner’s high overdose. Thomas Peters, 36, collapsed when his muscles ceased to function just before the twentieth mile marker. He was promptly carted off to Rush Medical Center, where he was treated and is currently in stable condition. Peters, a self-proclaimed “marathon junkie,” has run in over 300 marathons during his lifetime, including 40 races in the last twelve

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Professors Fail to Satisfy Freshmen; Midterm Exams Deemed Premature

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EVANSTON—Hundreds of freshmen students have voiced complaints against the inadequate time professors spend on preparations for midterm examinations.  Virgins to the quarter system, their groans reached a climax on Tuesday, when French professor Jim Levenstein announced that students would begin their oral exams two weeks ahead of schedule. “It’s not fair,” moaned freshman Nadia Horner, a student of Professor Levenstein. “just as I’m totally getting into the class and learning some new things, he tells us we have to perform

Read more Local, No. 41

New Version of Auto-Tune Allows Male Pop Stars to Sound Like They Have Testicles

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SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Antares Audio Technologies, publisher of the massively popular Auto-Tune music software, has announced a collection of major upgrades that will finally allow singers like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers to sound like they have testicles. The new software uses specialized algorithms to boost the lower frequencies of a singer’s voice, and ensures that talentless pop stars and boy bands can at least retain a miniscule portion of their masculinity. Auto-Tune’s creator, Dr. Andy Hildebrand, has held a

Read more Entertainment, No. 41

NU Student Discovers His Shit Does Not Stink

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EVANSTON—After weeks of posturing and discussing getting laid, Weinberg Freshman Alan Simpson discovered Thursday that his shit literally does not stink. The revelation came as a shock to many who knew him. “I was just about to flush the toilet, when I thought, ‘Hey, that’s weird’,” Simpson said. “So I got a little closer, and sure enough, it didn’t smell bad, like, at all.” Simpson’s roommate, Robert Talley, was caught by surprise. “For the first couple weeks, he just seemed

Read more Local, No. 41

NU Student on Innuendo Overuse – “Stop shoving it down my throat”

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EVANSTON—According to at least one Northwestern student, what you say is no longer what you mean. On a modern college campus, its seems that anything one says — no matter the topic, will be taken to be sexual in nature. Any statement, sentence, or phrase is assumed, at least by the more perverted members of the student body, to be referring to the act of making love and private parts. Thankfully, some students are just not going to take it

Read more Local, No. 40

Poster Sale Actually Cover-Up for More Construction at Norris

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EVANSTON—This past week’s poster sale at the Norris Center provided the university with a way to mask additional construction in the Wildcat Room. The cover-up was discovered when freshman Robert Zucker attempted to remove a poster from the display wall. “I was just trying to get that Star Wars poster,” claims Zucker, “but when I did, there was an orange construction fence behind it.” When Zucker revealed the construction fence, a Norris security team appeared out of nowhere and swarmed

Read more Local, No. 41

Student Discovered to Have Feigned Blindness to Gain Admission

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Northwestern Remains a Need-Blind School EVANSTON—This Sunday, allegedly blind Weinberg freshman Dave White was found to be faking his condition. White reportedly fabricated the story in order to gain admittance to Northwestern on the basis of adding to a more diverse class. White’s roommate, Medill freshman Kevin Wu, discovered that it was all an act. “I noticed some weird things about the way he acted that made me suspect he wasn’t actually blind,” Wu says. “Sometimes I would catch him

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Hobo Calls Big Bite Night “The Best Thing Ever”

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EVANSTON—The City of Evanston’s annual restaurant fair attracted all types of foodies Sunday. Among them was Lucas Rogers, area transient, who praised the event as “totally awesome.” Rogers, who usually sets up camp outside the Papa John’s on Clark and Benson, left his post this Sunday to take six separate trips around the neighborhood for the event, hitting various stations with and without his hat to appear like a different person. “I admit, it’s a change from my usual fare:

Read more Local, No. 40
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