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Next Time, North Korea Won’t Use Fisher-Price Rocket

April 11, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

SEOUL—A report surfaced early Friday morning that the North Korean military had successfully launched a rocket from a beach near Pyongyang. The rocket cruised 100 ft. across the beach before landing harmlessly in the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean. “This is a great day for the North Korean military,” explained foreign official Kim-Seong Moon, “It truly establishes North Korea as one of the most potent military forces in the entire world.” The rocket was clearly ineffective, as it fizzled

NU Students Sue University for Misuse of Word “Spring”

April 11, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a press release issued late last week, a previously unknown coalition of Northwestern students from California and Florida announced that they would be suing the University for “misuse of the word ‘spring’.” This legal action comes after the discovery that weather during Spring Quarter was neither warm nor sunny. “It’s just not fair,” whined a member of the group who spoke to The Flipside on condition of anonymity. “When I saw the words ‘Spring Quarter,’ I assumed that it

Eco-Friendly Proudcts Increase Guilt-Free Littering

April 11, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

MCHENRY, IL—Cecil Daniels used to be neurotic about littering. He has admitted to keeping trash bags in his Toyota Prius to pick up and throw away garbage on the street. Since childhood, Daniels said, he was aware of the effects of littering, an attitude created by a public service announcement. That has since changed. “These ‘eco’ products are amazing, they’ve totally changed my life,” Daniels told The Flipside. “Now, I just toss my used 5th generation brand paper plates out

Chicago Out of 2016 Olympic Race after Committee Tours South Side

April 3, 2009 Anant Shah Leave a comment

CHICAGO—The International Olympic Committee’s (IOC) five day tour of the city was cut short late Sunday evening. Members began arriving on Thursday at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and were welcomed by a colorful display of 2016 Olympic banners and flags. Mayor Daley was on hand for the IOC’s arrival. “We’ve been planning this for a long time. We have to put a lot of time and money into this; we’ll try to impress the [committee] as much as possible. It

Obama Fires GM Car Salesman for not Having Right Make, Model

April 3, 2009 Anant Shah Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama has used a very hands on approach to try to revive the economy. He has, as promised in his campaign, attempted to remove agencies or institutions which are not operating efficiently or effectively. Last week, Obama forced General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to resign, citing that GM’s troubles were largely Wagoner’s fault. Obama’s control over GM did not stop with just its C.E.O. Obama’s changes in office have been as specific as selecting new cars for his

March Madness To Be Covered Under Universal Health Care

April 3, 2009 Zach Galant Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—After learning that the disease often contracted in the spring, March Madness, was not covered in America’s health care plan for millions of citizens, President Obama decided action was necessary. At a press conference earlier today, The President addressed the issue, “This is a serious problem. We need to change the system. I know this disease affects real folks, myself included, and it is important to make this a priority.” March Madness is an extremely contagious disease, most prevalent in

Kenyan Wins Dance Marathon

March 26, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Robert Aban completed DM in 30 hours, tying his own personal mark of 30 hours, and also tying the world record of 30 hours.

Endowment “Shrinks” in “Cold” Economy

March 25, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Frigid economic conditions have shrunk the size of Northwestern’s endowment, according to new reports from President Bienen’s office. University spokesman Steven Westerstein released a statement yesterday downplaying the so-called “shrinkage” effect on NU’s performance. “We here at Northwestern University have always felt that it’s not about the size of the endowment, but how you use it that really matters. Besides, it’s not like our endowment is that small. At least we’re still bigger than Wash U.” Northwestern student reactions were

Opinion: New Facebook Has Ruined My Life

March 25, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

Well isn’t this just great? My life was finally starting to get on track. I was just beginning to like my job and I was actually making money in the stock market, if you can believe that. Then, all of a sudden, I come home, start up my Mac Book Pro, and boom, Facebook completely flips a shit! Does my life suck or what? Facebook doesn’t care “what’s on my mind.” If they really cared, they’d change back to the

Acquisition of 3 Hole Punch Triples Intern’s Productivity

February 27, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WHEELING, IL—Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster. An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid