As the old adage goes, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will spearhead
the complete reconstruction of my political and social climate.”
Americans woke up with shock to the news that US forces captured Nicolás Maduro, the President of the South American country of Vulva.
Although less catchy than the original, the new lyrics “My demographics down, they ain’t rebouncin’ now, lawmakers frown, askin’, ‘Where’s each newborn from?’” seemed to instantly capture the attention of the assembly members.
As news of the death of former Vice President Dick Cheney made its way to Iraq, the Weapons of Mass Destruction began to emerge from hiding after a 22-year disappearance.
IKEA apparently decided the world needed a reminder that their display beds are not to be used for fooling around.
President Donald Trump, calm and measured as always, announced plans to resume nuclear testing last Thursday while at a trade meeting in South Korea. Trump claimed the measure was in response to increased Russian aggression from recent (non-nuclear) missile tests and (actually nuclear) comments from Russian president Putin comparing Trump to an earwax-covered q-tip. Independent agencies have raised alarms over safety and diplomatic concerns from potential testing, but the public and the professionals are both ignoring the most dangerous part
In a revelation that has scandalized American evangelicals and other communities suffering from elevated rates of neurosis, Jesus Christ announced in a Xweet that the long-awaited Second Coming indeed took place midday Tuesday.
“If I ever see a star-not-on-belly Sneetch making pancakes, I’m going to be like ‘boy, I hope I don’t get food poisoning from these pancakes,’
I been thinking about what did us in. I was wrong to ask if you’d be cool getting a train run on you by me and my homies—I know that now. I’m sorry, girl. It shoulda just been me and you—head and caboose.I been thinking about what did us in. I was wrong to ask if you’d be cool getting a train run on you by me and my homies—I know that now. I’m sorry, girl. It shoulda just been me and you—head and caboose.
Before the headless horseman got his start scaring folks of all ages with his iconic jack-o-lantern head, he actually went through a—surprisingly rough—experimental phase to see what produce would work best. Here are 5 of our favorites!