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Category Archives: World

Biden Accidentally Declares War on Iran

November 5, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden may have instigated World War III last night during a last-minute campaign stop at Georgetown University. The gaffe-prone politician was delivering a short speech encouraging students to vote when he accidentally declared war on Iran. “We’re still not entirely sure what happened,” White House aide Michael Howard explained. “One minute he’s reading from a prepared statement about the Founding Fathers and the next he’s assembling the Joint Chiefs of Staff to authorize a pre-emptive

World Strangely Disappointed by Felix Baumgartner’s Safe Landing

October 14, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

INNER CONSCIOUS, SOMEWHERE NEXT TO THE STOMACH — When Austrian Professional Skydiver Felix Baumgartner jumped off the helium balloon in an attempt to break several world records, the entire world watched carefully in a state of mixed emotions. For many, it was an experience that lead to the discovery of their own sick, terrifying minds. When Brad, a thoroughly average human being, first came across the link on Facebook he first thought, “Oh well, just another Red Bull publicity scheme,

China Decrees All Sesame Street Episodes Must Include Chinese Lessons

October 4, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

BEIJING – Chinese officials were surprised to learn Thursday morning that their indirect funding of PBS grants them the power to determine the content of Sesame Street episodes. Mitt Romney alerted the world to this fact during Wednesday night’s presidential debate, when he promised, “I will eliminate all programs that don’t pass this test: is the program so critical it’s worth borrowing money from China to pay for it? I’m sorry, Jim, I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS.

Study: World Really Fucking Depressing

September 28, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EARTH – According to a recent report issued by scientific journals, current events periodicals, supermarket tabloids, internet bloggers, the Federal Reserve, and the US Department of Transportation, planet Earth is a really fucking depressing place to live. Drawing from a sample size of over 6 billion people, the report found corruption, narcissism, violence, and willful ignorance to be rampant without exception in every environment settled by human beings. Although these predispositions were only observed in approximately 23% of the global

Purchaser of “The Scream” Also Buys Nation of Tuvalu

May 18, 2012 Brian Earl

FUNAFUTI, TUVALU – Willy Telavi, Prime Minister of Tuvalu, was informed Friday that his nation had been sold at auction to the same man who purchased “The Scream.” Although the famous Munsch painting sold for a record $119.9 million May 2, Tuvalu went for a paltry $15 million, though this is admittedly more than twice as large as Tuvalu’s annual budget. The purchaser is determined to remain anonymous, unwilling to divulge to the public his true identity and just how

World Bank Hazes the Shit out of New President

April 19, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Kim was forced to consume copious amounts of alcohol, run around the National Mall half naked while blindfolded, drink a gallon of milk mixed with water from the Potomac River, deny emergency loan requests from Angola, and be quizzed on facts of the founding of the institution.

Read more Business, Nation, No. 80, Politics, World

Iran Wins Best Foreign Film, Abandons Nuclear Program

February 29, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

TEHRAN – Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the city’s famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette. “This is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious

Read more Entertainment, No. 77, Politics, World

Eeyore Killed in House Collapse

February 29, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD, EAST SUSSEX, ENGLAND – The Lewes Police Force reported Tuesday that Eeyore, the lugubrious but beloved stuffed donkey best known through his acquaintance with Edward Bear (colloquially known as “Winnie-the-Pooh”), was found dead Tuesday. Eeyore, seen at right in a 2003 picture, was 85 years old. Constable Henry Anderson discovered the body under a pile of logs after the Lewes Police received a 999 call from Mr. Pooh. “It was a grisly sight,” shuddered Anderson. “His

Greece Produces More Gyros, Not Enough Euros

February 22, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

In a recent miscommunication, Greece sent 100,000 gyros to Germany to avoid debt default. After confusing the delicious pita wraps for the currency, the Greeks remain unashamed.

Italian Cruise Ship Runs Aground on Massive Stereotype

January 25, 2012 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

GIGLIO, ITALY- Italian Coast Guard incident reports released exclusively to the Flipside have shed new light on the true cause of the Costa Concordia disaster. While the official reports have posited several theories (ranging from the sudden appearance of a beautiful woman on shore to repeated ship-to-shore telephone calls from the captain’s mother) as to why the ship ran aground and sank, transcripts from police interviews with Captain Francesco Schettino suggest otherwise. Twenty minutes into the interview, Schettino appears to