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Category Archives: World

New Hostess CEO Plans to Avoid Labor Unions, Hires Keebler Elves

May 2, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

COLUMBUS, GA — Trans fat gourmands across America rejoiced this past week upon hearing that Apollo Global Management LLC, the firm that bought the royal icing of the Hostess empire, the Twinkie, had plans to reopen bakeries and return many of the only semi-genetically modified treats to stores by mid-July. The largest obstacle in resuming production, though, according to Apollo CEO C. Dean Metropolous (besides, of, course, ever looking at a Twinkie again now that he knows what’s in them)

Czech Republic Sends $2 Billion in Maps as Foreign Aid to Geographically Oblivious U.S.

April 30, 2013 Adam Pecena Leave a comment

PRAGUE, CZECH REP. — Czech Prime Minister Petr Nečas announced at a special press conference today that his government has decided to provide $2 billion worth of maps for the tragically geographically challenged U.S. schoolchildren. “We see it as a moral duty to extend a helping hand to countries whose education about the rest of the world has frozen in a woeful state. The least we can do is provide the necessary tools for the poor American kids to at

Bayer Resumes Production of Zyklon B

April 4, 2013 Flippy One comment

LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials. Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call: “Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have

Thoughts on Hugo Chavez from Other Dictators and Martin Scorsese

March 15, 2013 Dan Weinberg Leave a comment

Fidel Castro – Hugo was a dear comrade of mine in the struggle against the tyranny of the United States. I recall many a time when he would come to Cuba for “cancer treatment,” and we would demonize the rich for hours.

Dennis Rodman Mourns The Loss of Lifelong Friend Hugo Chavez

March 12, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

CARACAS, VENEZUELA — Former NBA star Dennis Rodman teared up earlier today during a press conference, revealing the deep personal connections he had with the late Hugo Chavez, the former President of Venezuela. “I’m at a loss for words right now,” Rodman said between sniffles. “I used to travel to Venezuela every summer so Hugo and I could play golf. He was a great leader, and more importantly a great friend.” Chavez and Rodman’s relationship was based on a deep

Pope Emeritus Relieved to Give up Teaching Sunday School, Focus on Research

March 4, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

VATICAN CITY — Thursday, February 28th marked a monumental day for the Roman Catholic Church, as Pope Benedict XVI switched his red loafers for burgundy and became the first Pope to cede the papacy since the Middle Ages. Prior to his official retirement, the College of Cardinals voted to award Benedict with honorary title of Pope Emeritus, to which Benedict responded, “It’s the least they could do, but I’ll take it. The whole time I was Pope, those tightwads in

Snooki, Chef Boyardee, and Pope Benedict XVI to Star in The Real World: Rome

March 2, 2013 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

ROME — Italian and international fans alike are buzzing with anticipation for the premier of MTV Italy’s The Real World: Rome. New housemates Snooki and Chef Boyardee were both eager to start their new adventure. Snooki described it, “Oh my GAWD, like, I am just super ready to get to the house and, like, go to the club, and just get totally wasted and smush some hot Italian gorllas, since baby Lorenzo is with my mom in Poughkeepsie and what

Vatican Levels Playing Field by Instituting Affirmative Action in Pope Election

March 1, 2013 Janesh Rahlan Leave a comment

VATICAN CITY — With Pope Benedict XVI resigning this week to focus on his rap career, the Vatican is scurrying to find a worthy replacement. However, due to the cost of the Church’s golden and elaborate hats, the Papacy’s finances are in trouble. As a result, the Vatican is pushing for more affirmative action to obtain grants from organizations advocating for racial equality worldwide. The first choice for Pope is a man from Ghana, Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson. When

Rides in Planned Abbottabad Amusement Park Include “Dick Cheney’s Water Board Adventure”

February 27, 2013 Flippy Leave a comment

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN — The world was stunned last week when the Pakistani government announced its plans to fund a $30 million amusement park in the small military town where Osama Bin Laden was killed. Yesterday, the Pakistani Department of the Interior released more details about the park, including the park’s main attractions, which are printed below: Osama’s Fun Compound – Combining elements of both carnival fun houses and Halloween haunted houses, visitors will be able to explore a reconstructed version

After a Cyberattack on the New York Times, China Targets The Flipside

February 4, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

BEIJING — After using advanced infiltration techniques to target The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal in a “cyberattack,” the Chinese government is refocusing its aggressive Internet policy on The Northwestern Flipside. China views the insightful coverage the publication gives to Northwestern University campus life as invaluable information on the unpatriotic activities of international students. Fortunately, the Chinese plan was thwarted by the professional security provided by WordPress and no information was leaked. Other on-campus publications were also