George Davis of the newly-created Office of Creative Disciplinary Action said the university was getting a lot of pushback from peer institutions but decided to proceed regardless, as “the little shits started drinking fancier booze than I do.”
What, are you all going to lord my mistakes over me just because I commit them on a weekly basis?
The new pledge classes get to do everything they were forbidden to talk about during recruitment, i.e. everything that made them want to join Greek life in the first place.
“This is GREAT news!” said Weinberg sophomore George Philburn, Bobb resident. “It’s such a chore to have to walk all the way into Evanston to get some booze. Now I can get hammered before my Orgo lecture. That should really help the information set in.”
“I got this idea to test whether people would act differently around me while I was drunk, so I pretended to be drunk,” Taylor added. “I had a few drinks, of course, but only so people would believe that I’d been drinking.”
Got your fake ID stolen? Can’t get your upperclassmen friends to score a handle of Skol for you? Not a fan of the mouthwash taste? You won’t have to deal with these bummers if you make your own fun juice! Making your own booze in your tiny room at Plex can sound like a daunting challenge but it’s also very rewarding. Just follow these simple suggestions and you’ll be on your way to tipsyville by the end of the school
EVANSTON — Reports stemming from the Rho chapter of the Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity indicate that brother Ben Nickerson, a Weinberg junior, secretly loves turning people away from the fraternity’s numerous events and social engagements. “Just the look on these people’s faces when you tell them to walk around the block, it’s hysterical,” said Nickerson, casually lounging on the house porch, Solo cup in hand. “They look like you just told them Christmas is cancelled. They just don’t believe they
EVANSTON – Following NU Student Affairs’s decision to disassociate with Chabad House due to clashes over university alcohol policy, Northwestern’s Chemistry department has been stripped of accreditation following reports that ethanol was served to minors during a recent lab. Department chair Elizabeth Locke protested the decision, claiming that providing disciples with ethanol has been a “central tenet” of chemistry for centuries. Although Locke does not deny the charges levied against her department, she has attempted to assure administrators and parents