Tag Archives: Loser

He Had to Do WHAT to WHO? John Wilkes Booth’s WILD Fantasy Football Punishment

One comment

Spend 24 hours in a Waffle House, get a tattoo of your friend’s choosing, or perform at an open mic. These are some of the most popular fantasy football punishments for the poor saps who finish last in their league, but once upon a time a man made the news for his WILD punishment. And you’ll never guess what he did or who he did it to. John Wilkes Booth was just a regular joe competing in his local fantasy

Read more Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 373, Politics, Sports, World, Year 16

Freshman Nearly Makes Friend

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice. Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.” After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In

Read more Local

For One Day, Trekkies Get to Be Cool

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Devoted fans of the Star Trek franchise, referred to informally as Trekkies, rejoiced yesterday as JJ Abrams’ critically acclaimed Star Trek prequel hit theaters last weekend. “Finally,” said local Trekkie Stephen Geary, “we Trekkies can get the respect we deserve.” He then made a “V” sign between his middle and ring finger and added, “Live long and prosper.” With hordes of moviegoers attending the new film, Trekkies have been able to share their knowledge of Trek trivia. “It’s great,” explained

Read more Entertainment, Local

Self-Centered Loser Starts Own Facebook Fan Page

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—If you haven’t listened to each of Barry Joshenstein’s songs 18 times yet, you must have zero taste in music. Just ask Barry himself. “My music is amazing!” said Barry. “It’s more catchy that the Beatles, more badass than Biggie Smalls, and more emotional than Death Cab, but much less wimpy. There is no way anybody can say anything bad about my stuff.” Joshenstein started his own Facebook fan page about a week ago to promote his music in an

Read more Entertainment, Local