“It took 100 agents with very cool magnifying glasses and two K-9 units to get the job done.”
Author Archives: Maggie Galloway
“Uh, he picked a card from Community Chest. It happens pretty frequently. Are you a real journalist?”
Yesterday The Rotary Tones posted on their Facebook that they would be performing a mash-up of Ro James’ “Permission” and Aretha Franklin’s “Respect.”
“Whenever I put them on I can feel the increase in testosterone and dopamine immediately. Yesterday I wore them and I chucked my Sperry’s at the TV.”
Virginia Governor Ralph Northam might have more skeletons in his closet than a necrophilic anatomy teacher. Last week a photo from Northam’s yearbook page resurfaced showing two people, one in black face and the other in a Ku Klux Klan hood. Or so it seemed. Shortly after the photo was published, Northam identified himself as the man in white but was quick to defend himself. “I was clearly wearing a ghost costume for a Halloween party. And so what if
“This is childish even for him,” said MacKenzie, “he’s turned into the Monopoly Man except with stupid aviators and weirdly muscular arms.”
Forget free t-shirts and food, the Northwestern Wildside is ready to get you shmacked. Desperate to increase student attendance at sporting events, the Wildside advertised free fifths of vodka to the first 100 students who showed up to the women’s basketball game on Thursday. “What our student body lacks in school spirit, it makes up for in alcoholism,” said Wildside president Lindsey Carlson. Initially, the Wildside was worried that students would leave when they started handing out fifths of rum
With the budget crisis in full effect, Northwestern might not have anything to deck the halls with, but that hasn’t stopped Northwestern President Morton Schapiro from attempting to spread the good cheer.
At most there were a few sharp inhales, but that was as close to laughter as Schapiro got.
“What really put me over the edge was a scary clown handing me my CHEM 212 grade and saying, ‘Oh no, I guess mommy’s little boy won’t be a doctor after all!’”