Obama Spotted at Deuce Thursday
Using his motorcade in place of an Uber, the leader of the free world saw no reason not to indulge in $3 beers.
Freshman Girl Starts Fashion Blog, Revolutionizes Journalism
Peer Advisor Accused of BS
Another student, Franco B. Iglesias noted, “I started to suspect something when he wouldn’t stop emphasizing how great our social lives would be at Northwestern. I could literally smell the BS.”
Class of 2018’s Night Out “Wild”
Inside the illicitly-occupied buildings, things were getting a bit crazy. Freshman boys from Bobb pretended to know how to smoke marijuana and only coughed a lot a little.
Freshman’s Room Robbed by New Friends
Before leaving, she informed her floormates that her door was unlocked so they were welcome to go in and get some of her mom’s “famous peanut butter cookies.”
Evanston Residents Miss Students, Can’t Wait for Class of 2018
Julie Barrett, 53, feels to be one of the most afflicted, which pushed her to spearhead the “Bring Me Your Stoned and Wasted,” an association of Evanstonites who are missing the smell of fresh yard-puke in the morning.
Graduating Senior Totally Ready to Move On, Definitely Not Terrified by Real World
The senior explained that time gives no preference to hastening or delaying the arrival of any event; that is, the end of the world and commencement are approaching at exactly the same rate.
Senior Year Experience Committee Emulates Mayfest Wristband Policy Because That Was in No Way A Disaster
Despite similar shortages occurring last year, the organizing committee of Senior Week opted to maintain the status quo because of course they did.
Op-Ed: We’ll Never Forget How Maya Angelou Sat Down On That Bus
It’s hard to know what to do now. Our figure is gone, our lamp in the darkness of inequality. When Martin Luther King Jr. died, when Malcolm X died, we knew we still had one bastion of justice.
New Ukraine President, Dubbed “Chocolate King”, Will Give Factory to Nicest Boy