Area Man Thinks Academy Award Ceremony Involves a Mr. Oscar Distributing Statues of Himself
Category Archives: Archives
The State of the Associated Student Government Senate
Esteemed senators, desperate wannabes. Three years ago, I attended a senate meeting. I don’t remember what the meeting was about, and I doubt anyone still remembers it. All I remember is that a lengthy argument broke out over whether a non-senator in attendance in place of an absent senator could vote in a procedural vote based on Robert’s Rules of Order.
Some New Building to Be Built on Campus, Costs Gazillions
EVANSTON — Northwestern University administration announced today that construction on some long-awaited expensive building of questionable utility is to finally start next month. Spokesman of the Department of New Structures, Allyson Spencer, told The Flipside, “This is a great moment for all 25 people that will actually be using this building, and for the 100+ members of the future cleaning and maintenance staff. Thanks to donations from a random wealthy alumnus, we have the opportunity to provide state-of-the-art facilities for
Harry Potter Cruise Ship Inspires Hunger Games Knock-Off: One Will Survive
The State of The Daily Northwestern
Editors, Reporters, Photographers, Designers. I stand before you this evening to deliver The State of The Daily. Now, I must confess that I’m not on staff, but I did write one story freshman year, so I feel both honored and qualified to deliver this address.
Bulgarian Government Collapses; Dozens Dead, Hundreds Still Missing
Class of 2017 Excited to “Hang Out at the Lakefill and Eat Frontera”
THE INTERNET — The Northwestern University Class of 2017 Facebook group saw a three-hundred percent increase in activity this past week when soul-searching accepted student Alyssa Gianonne asked the deep and philosophical question preoccupying every early-decision applicant’s mind: “So what’s everyone, like, MOST excited for next year?” Gianonne commented on her own post thirty seconds later explaining that marching through the historic campus arch, erected in 1993, is something that she predicts will be life changing. Within minutes, Gianonne’s post
Even Meteors Hate Communism
The State of the Tour Guides
Fellow guides, the state of the TGs is awesome! There is not a single thing wrong with anything on this campus or within this group of 120ish tightly knit undergrads and graduates who haven’t yet found a real job! Let me tell you why. This podium in front of me was built in 1851 by our founder, the same guy who built The Rock, with his bare hands! That’s definitely a true fact!
LAPD Opens Fire on Pot Roast Mistaken for Chris Dorner’s Charred Corpse
LOS ANGELES, CA — Following a sprawling, state-wide search for former policeman and army reservist Christopher Dorner (in which the alleged killer is believed to have perished in a cabin fire) anxious LAPD officers opened fire on a pot roast in a butcher’s display window that officers mistook for the former suspect. Despite firing over 50 shells at the pre-cooked beef dish, officers did not manage to hit their target once, instead injuring 10 customers deeper within the shop. Thankfully,