New Restaurant, “Just Yogurt,” Touts Its Use of All-Natural Bacteria
“Just Yogurt is a great example of how businesses can practice sustainable bacterial processes and satisfy their customers’ needs.”
Category Archives: Business
Area Third Graders Eager to Contribute to Gross Output Indicator
Many referred to a recent survey by the Pew Institute where 82% indicated they picked their nose recently, 74% said they’d picked a scab, and 22% reported having eaten a bug or worm intentionally in the past 60 days.
Toyota Unveils New 2015 Recall Model
“Times are tough, and we realized there is now a market for cost-efficient vehicles. Sales have been down recently, but we hope with our new Recall we will have the highest figures of all automakers by the end of this year.”
The Flipside’s Guide to Finance
These lucrative tips have made our illustrious paper the 10th wealthiest bi-weekly satirical publication on campus, and once you’ve read this article, you’ll have no excuse not to be rich.
Northwestern Launches “Mortcoin” Cryptocurrency
“We’re hoping by next year students will be able to exchange their Mortcoins for Norbucks Bucks and Frontero Dineros.”
PRESS RELEASE: Plan B for Kids is the Perfect Companion to an Abstinence-Only Sexual Education
TEVA PHARMACEUTICALS — New legislation will soon enable women above the age of 15 to purchase Plan B One-Step® emergency contraceptive without parental consent. This is an exciting time for Teva Pharmaceuticals shareholders, and the company is proud to announce that it has been awarded an exclusive patent for production and sale of a new once-a-day contraceptive: “Plan B for Kids.” These chewable daily vitamins, an essential part of any balanced breakfast, deliver a clinical dosage of levonorgestrel in teenager-approved
New Hostess CEO Plans to Avoid Labor Unions, Hires Keebler Elves
COLUMBUS, GA — Trans fat gourmands across America rejoiced this past week upon hearing that Apollo Global Management LLC, the firm that bought the royal icing of the Hostess empire, the Twinkie, had plans to reopen bakeries and return many of the only semi-genetically modified treats to stores by mid-July. The largest obstacle in resuming production, though, according to Apollo CEO C. Dean Metropolous (besides, of, course, ever looking at a Twinkie again now that he knows what’s in them)
Bayer Resumes Production of Zyklon B
LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials. Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call: “Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have
Flipside Investigation Discovers that “Brogurt” Contains Horse Meat
MIAMI BEACH, FL — It’s no secret that Greek yogurt is popular among women; just ask any yoga-pant-clad sorority girl on campus and she’ll, like, totally confirm. Yogurt is chock full of vitamins and calcium that help maintain a healthy diet, but marketers sensed a gaping demographic disparity in the yogurt market and recently announced the launch of a new product catering to men. Powerful Yogurt, nicknamed Brogurt, hit grocery store shelves last week in an attempt to target guys
No One Claims Free $300 Gift Card; QR Code Only Way to Access Prize
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local internet start-up, Business Organization, Ideas, Solutions, and Energy, last week launched a marketing campaign that BOISE President and CEO Mark Thompson could only describe as “a complete and utter failure.” Thompson, whose company strives to provide “strategies, tips, and directions” to improve the efficiency and productivity of businesses worldwide, said his Marketing Intern, Billy Keyman, came up with the idea of giving away a $300 Amazon.com gift certificate as a way to drum up business.