“Times are tough, and we realized there is now a market for cost-efficient vehicles. Sales have been down recently, but we hope with our new Recall we will have the highest figures of all automakers by the end of this year.”
These lucrative tips have made our illustrious paper the 10th wealthiest bi-weekly satirical publication on campus, and once you’ve read this article, you’ll have no excuse not to be rich.
“We’re hoping by next year students will be able to exchange their Mortcoins for Norbucks Bucks and Frontero Dineros.”
TEVA PHARMACEUTICALS — New legislation will soon enable women above the age of 15 to purchase Plan B One-Step® emergency contraceptive without parental consent. This is an exciting time for Teva Pharmaceuticals shareholders, and the company is proud to announce that it has been awarded an exclusive patent for production and sale of a new once-a-day contraceptive: “Plan B for Kids.” These chewable daily vitamins, an essential part of any balanced breakfast, deliver a clinical dosage of levonorgestrel in teenager-approved
COLUMBUS, GA — Trans fat gourmands across America rejoiced this past week upon hearing that Apollo Global Management LLC, the firm that bought the royal icing of the Hostess empire, the Twinkie, had plans to reopen bakeries and return many of the only semi-genetically modified treats to stores by mid-July. The largest obstacle in resuming production, though, according to Apollo CEO C. Dean Metropolous (besides, of, course, ever looking at a Twinkie again now that he knows what’s in them)
LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials. Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call: “Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have
MIAMI BEACH, FL — It’s no secret that Greek yogurt is popular among women; just ask any yoga-pant-clad sorority girl on campus and she’ll, like, totally confirm. Yogurt is chock full of vitamins and calcium that help maintain a healthy diet, but marketers sensed a gaping demographic disparity in the yogurt market and recently announced the launch of a new product catering to men. Powerful Yogurt, nicknamed Brogurt, hit grocery store shelves last week in an attempt to target guys
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local internet start-up, Business Organization, Ideas, Solutions, and Energy, last week launched a marketing campaign that BOISE President and CEO Mark Thompson could only describe as “a complete and utter failure.” Thompson, whose company strives to provide “strategies, tips, and directions” to improve the efficiency and productivity of businesses worldwide, said his Marketing Intern, Billy Keyman, came up with the idea of giving away a $300 Amazon.com gift certificate as a way to drum up business.
EVANSTON — The Starbucks in Norris Student Center, popularly known as “Norbucks,” recently announced it is now hiring new baristas; the training program is slated to last from now until forever. In efforts to employ more students, Norbucks will continue to hire inexperienced applicants and provide them with valuable job skills such as defrosting pound cake and differentiating between tall and small. The program is under criticism from various sororities, such as Quad-Delt, whose chapter president said Norbucks’ poor customer
Kim was forced to consume copious amounts of alcohol, run around the National Mall half naked while blindfolded, drink a gallon of milk mixed with water from the Potomac River, deny emergency loan requests from Angola, and be quizzed on facts of the founding of the institution.