Category Archives: Business

EU Votes Against Bailing Greece Out of Jail

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THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – The International Criminal Court today announced that it would continue holding Greece in prison indefinitely as it was unable to find a country willing to pay the $532 billion necessary to make bond. Greece, awaiting trial for numerous crimes including kidnapping and false imprisonment of a Lacoste mannequin, assault and battery of an Albanian Gypsy, and grand larceny of a dozen Nair products from an Athens CVS, refused to comment through its lawyer. “It is tragic

Read more Business, No. 63, World

Wheelbarrow Poised to Win Game of Monopoly

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ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue. “I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700

Read more Articles, Business, Entertainment, No. 53, Sports

Spin̈al Tap Unveils New 11G Network

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LONDON – Legendary 1980’s rock outfit Spin̈al Tap announced plans Thursday for the release of their own 11G wireless network to rival the current 4G technology operated by carriers such as Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. “These other blokes are doing, you know, 3 or 4G, but we thought
why not eleven?” explained lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, who found inspiration from his guitar amp’s volume range – which also extends fully up to 11. Technology analysts confirm that Tap’s surprise expansion into

Read more Articles, Business, Entertainment, No. 47

Health Standard for Happy-Meal Toys Causes Imports from China to Drop by 90%

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SAN FRANCISCO—The Chinese economy recently took a hit due to a new San Francisco law that bans restaurants from giving away toys with any meals deemed unhealthy. San Francisco, deemed one of America’s 100 fattest cities in 2010 by Men’s Health, immediately put a hold on all imports of Happy Meal toys. “We already had several warehouses full of toys for local restaurants,” said importer/exporter Art Vandelay. “With the new law, it will take years to get rid of all

Read more Business, Nation, No. 45, World

NU Best in Midwest, Second in Qatar

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NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch fell short of the University’s overall ranking, reaching only second place in the Middle Eastern nation.  The international campus, home to journalism and communication programs, fell just below the Doha Academy of Advanced Explosive Weaponry (DAAEW).  Editors at the magazine cited prospects for future graduates

Read more Business, No. 44

Taco Bell Mourns Loss with Limited-Edition Burritos Containing Founder’s Meat

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SAN BERNARDINO, CA—The death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco. To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last

Read more Business, Issue 26, Year 2

Econ Major Drops out of Ethics Course

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EVANSTON—When sophomore economics major Mark Richman signed up for PHIL 181: “Introduction to Ethical Decision Making”, the news surprised most other economics majors, who comprise approximately half of the undergraduate population. This shocking attempt at an escape from the norm came to an end when it was revealed that Richman dropped the course recently in favor of ECON 294: “Seminar – Risky Business: Is It Really That Bad?” The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the

Read more Business, Issue 25, Local, Year 2

Taco Bell Comes Out With New Seven-Layer Diet Burrito

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IRVINE, CA—Taco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito. “The fast in ‘fast food’ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,” said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder. The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer

Read more Business, Issue 25, Year 2

Beanie Baby Collection Solidifies Area Grandma as Investing Powerhouse

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WILMETTE, IL—Area grandma Gertrude Smith catapulted herself to untold riches last week after closing on her 12-year financial plan, which involved investing in Ty Beanie Babies. The sale of her 270 beloved sacks of beads, worth almost nothing, inexplicably raised her net worth to an estimated $1.8 Billion. The plush animals, a fad from 1997, were snatched up by rabid consumers and hoarded as rare collector’s items, despite having been as readily available as water. Many cited the future potential

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1859 EDITION: As Carriage Costs Rise, Students Demand U-Buggy Pass

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EVANSTON—Chicago’s Carriage Dispatch announced it will raise its prices three halfcents this month in an effort to remedy its debt. The transportation company had been hoping to be included in the federal bailout package, but the stimulus moneys were instead offered to South Carolina, who requested financial assistance with building a militia. “We overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,” explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire

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