Op-Ed: We, Your Unread Emails, Plead for Release from our Suffering
Delete us. There is no beauty in our sentience, our existence is designed for termination and prolonging it is agony.
Category Archives: Featured
Ann Coulter Knows What It’s Like to Feel Unsafe in White Suburban Neighborhood
Coulter felt like she was a changed woman after definitely having experienced what some of the âurbanitesâ do.
Local Saint Tips Chipotle Worker with Spare Change After Ignoring Three Homeless People
Other Chipotle workers expressed similar beliefs about Klightâs generosity and holiness, and reportedly pray for the day when he returns and puts a single dollar bill into the tip jar.
Creative Writing Program Debuts New “Pensively Skipping Stones” Course
“We start each day by listening to Coldplayâs âFix Youâ and âYellow.â Then we shuffle to the Lakefill with our heads pointed downward. Finally we pick up the slimmest of stones, muse on the mutability of existence, and ultimately launch the minerals into the vast unknown they call Lake Michigan.”
Area Student with One Earbud Out Hears Gossip About Himself
âIâm always paranoid that people will be talking about me,â said Steinhauer, who had turned off his podcast and was trying to make eye contact, âAnd itâs scary to think that I was right.â
Steve Hagerty in Cahoots with Russian Studies Department
âA few days before the election, our headquarters were broken into. I almost didnât notice until I tripped on a heavily annotated copy of Dostoevskyâs The Idiot.â
Professor Hooked on Telling Students to Forget Everything They Know
“The establishment may have poisoned these kidsâ minds, but Iâm the one whoâll bring out the truth in their hearts!â said Farnigan with a look of crazed euphoria.
Op-Ed: Iâm in Bienen and McCormick is Too Hard
The other major reform I would suggest is that McCormick split its âWhole Brain Engineeringâ program into academic courses of study into Right Brain and Left Brain Engineering…Right Brain engineers wouldnât need to learn any of that math shit, while Left Brain engineers would be exempt from DTC or any other course that involves communication with another human being.
Nothing Is Being Built Outside of University Hall, Don’t Worry About It
While many assumed they must be working on a new building or the steam pipes or something, it turns out that they arenât actually building anything at all, so donât worry about it.
Op-Ed: If Knowledge is Power, How Come I Can Beat the Shit Out of You Nerds?
And you claim to be better than me because of your brains? Say that again after I kick you into the Lakefill, King Dweeb.