Wellbeing: Learn To Take Things With A Grain Of Salt And A Gram Of Coke
Salt gives perspective. Coke delivers results.
Category Archives: Latest News
Trump to start nuclear testing on animals “Like How Sephora does it”
President Donald Trump, calm and measured as always, announced plans to resume nuclear testing last Thursday while at a trade meeting in South Korea. Trump claimed the measure was in response to increased Russian aggression from recent (non-nuclear) missile tests and (actually nuclear) comments from Russian president Putin comparing Trump to an earwax-covered q-tip. Independent agencies have raised alarms over safety and diplomatic concerns from potential testing, but the public and the professionals are both ignoring the most dangerous part
“We just don’t know why he crossed” – Chicken found dead halfway across Sheridan during noon rush
Heartbroken and shocked members of the Northwestern community came together last Friday at the Rock to mourn the loss of community fixture Chicken, who was found dead last week in the middle of Sheridan Road.
New York Mayoral Result to be Decided by Anubis, Losers’ Souls Eaten by Ammit
With just one day to go until the New York City mayoral election, anticipation is running high and Ambien is running low. Regardless of what the final voting results are, there’s one final test that all candidates must pass: Are their souls pure enough for the weighing of the hearts as described in the Egyptian Book of the Dead? For non-New Yorkers unfamiliar with the process, Anubis, the jackal-headed Egyptian god of the Underworld, will weigh one’s heart against a
Ask Flippy: How can I laugh at this? There’s no “6 7,” “FAH” audio, or Don Pollo clips
Honestly, I don’t know what anything you just said is, and you can’t convince me that at least one of those wasn’t made up.
From the Archives (1355): My Lord Spoke to Thy Lord and he Said we Need to Hookup to Save Our Two Kingdoms
My Lord, the most gentle Prince of all the realm, spaketh to thy Lord and, upon hearing his reply, made note that we are instructed to hookup in order to save our Kingdoms from the heathen invaders. Thy Lord’s message was most clear, our two shires may be separated by many a mile and rivers flowing, and may be bitter foes of ancient times, but we must put aside our respective differences to unite our forces and beat back the
Op-ed: How I would use Freudian psychoanalysis to overcome the big red balls from Wipeout
Don’t you see the problem? With no dick-like object, the big red balls evoke the fear of castration, putting the contestant at a psychological disadvantage.
Northwestern Fight Song to Become Enlightened Disagreement Song
he overall runtime has been extended to 47 minutes, owing in large part to the inclusion of a full-length video course on bystander intervention training.
Local Empath Helps out Homeless Woman and Child by Matching Pieces of Furniture to Build Better Pieces of Furniture to Decorate Their Shack
Ms. Path felt she should use her time and money to assist this poor family. Redhead Child is freezing! So, she immediately downloaded the app (for $4.99) and got to work.
Student Punished for Line Violation at Porno Pizza; Hammurabi’s Code Invoked.
On Wednesday afternoon, a female student at Porno Pizza committed the grave error of approaching the personal pie line while intending to order a slice. Eyewitnesses report that she was immediately seized and escorted to the rear of the establishment, where staff administered the punishment prescribed by the Porno Code, an adaptation of Hammurabi’s ancient legal statutes codified in grease-stained laminate. According to witnesses, the student pleaded for leniency. “I just wanted a slice,” she reportedly said. “I didn’t know.”